


Finan's Choice

by HanksLady



Category: The Last Kingdom (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-04
Updated: 2021-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-17 07:29:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 29,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29838141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HanksLady/pseuds/HanksLady
Summary: Spin-off from "Dancing With the Devil." Modern day AU Finan/Sihtric slash from Finan's POV. Finan's strict Catholic upbringing causes him heartache as he is torn between following the path his parents and priest chose for him, and following his heart.
Relationships: Finan/Sihtric (The Last Kingdom)
Comments: 17
Kudos: 17





	1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been—" I paused and calculated; "—six weeks since my last confession."

I cringed as I recited my transgressions to Father Pyrlig: indulging too much in alcohol to the point that I passed out; getting in a brawl outside a bar (which I was only aware of because I woke the next morning with a black eye and a split lip, and Uhtred, my best mate, told me I made a complete arse of myself); having dirty thoughts about my girlfriend (and others); self-gratification (daily)…

I didn't cringe over what I said, but more because of what I didn't say. I couldn't admit to the fight I'd had with my father, because I'd said the same thing at my last confession and begged forgiveness for it. Nor could I admit to feeling trapped and pressured by Eadith, and her family, and my family because then I'd have to admit the reason I felt that way. And I didn't tell him I fornicated with a random woman I met in a bar after another night of drinking and used birth control. I'd only gone with her out of desperation, after Eadith had teased and tormented me in an effort to get me into bed, despite outwardly appearing to be a devout Catholic, but she wouldn't entertain using birth control because it was a sin, or so she said. More likely, she aimed to get pregnant, so I'd be well and truly scuppered. I rolled my eyes. I silently begged forgiveness for all of that, including the eye-roll, and knew it wouldn't be enough. I kept doing these things, and no matter how much I confessed (even silently) it made no difference, because if I repeated it, obviously I wasn't sorry—not one bit.

Father Pyrlig told me to say three Hail Marys as he always did, but he didn't have the time to discuss my issues with me, and finally sent me on my way.

TWO MONTHS LATER

Finally, it was over with Eadith, and I felt a combination of relief and guilt. The whole situation only served to piss me off, and as tempted as I was to open another beer, I had to go to work and a taxi driver getting pulled over and charged with a DUI wouldn't help me keep my job, or the little shithole I called a home. I dragged a hand through my hair and headed out. It was Friday night. I'd be driving until the early hours of Saturday morning and then another confession loomed. It had been two months. At least if I was busy, it would take my mind off everything else for a few hours.

I always hung around the pubs and bars in the early evening, and the nightclubs later on. It was easy to get fares that way. I was just dropping off a couple outside one pub, when a girl came out, clearly looking for a ride. She had long blonde hair almost down to her arse, black clothes, and lots of dark eye makeup. She dived into my backseat like she was in a hurry, and I pulled away from the kerb without hesitation.

"Where are we going?" I asked her.

She gave me an address that was only a mile away, then explained as I turned a corner. "I know it's only a couple of minutes away, but there's this creepy guy who might follow me if I walk."

"Ah. No problem," I said. So, that's why she looked like she couldn't get out of the pub fast enough. I took a quick look in my rear-view mirror and shot her a smile. Close up, she looked vaguely familiar. Then it clicked. "You're one of Uhtred's girlfriend's mates, aren't ya?"

"Yes. Skade," she said. That was it. Uhtred had mentioned her. I'd always thought Skade was a funny name to go by. Uhtred had explained it once, but I'd forgotten.

"Nice to meet ya," I said to her. I liked to talk to my fares if they seemed like they might be receptive. It made my work less boring. "I'm Finan. So, who's the creepy guy?"

"Someone I got talking to on the Net. You don't have to say it. I'm an idiot."

I laughed and launched into a story in the hopes she might feel better about it. "We've all done it. Yes, even me. Went to meet this gorgeous young thing once—beautiful red hair, blue eyes, lovely figure. At least that was the photo she sent. Turned out to be old enough to be my mother, with greying hair dyed pink, and this horrible snaggletooth." I made a face at her in the mirror. The story was wildly exaggerated, but things like that often made people laugh. She looked like she could use one.

She giggled in response. "That's exactly what happened with me. The six-foot sexy muscleman is shorter than me, overweight, sweaty, and doesn't brush his teeth."

"Yuk. Didn't you think of trying Facetime or Skype first?"

"No. Didn't you?"

"No. More fool us, eh?" I pulled the car up outside a block of flats and checked my meter. "Here we go, Skade. Just four quid."

She gave me a fiver. "Keep the change for cheering me up. See you."

I drove off, smiling. At least I made somebody feel better. Shame I didn't have anyone doing the same for me. I didn't even see Uhtred so much anymore. He was so sickenly besotted with his girlfriend, Gisela, he spent almost every waking moment when he wasn't working, and most of the moments asleep, too, with her. It was over a week before I talked to him again when we met up for a couple of hours in the pub, and I mentioned I'd given Skade a ride. He reminded me the name was from a Norse goddess of some sort.

"Of course, you'd know that." I rolled my eyes. Uhtred had been adopted by a Danish family when he was a little kid. There were a fair few Danes in our part of the world. I seemed to remember my other mate, Sihtric, who was also a taxi driver, was Danish, or half Danish—something like that. I should make more effort to hang out with him since Uhtred was always busy. He was a nice guy and other than me and Uhtred, he didn't seem to have any friends either. He'd started driving for Winchester Fastcars about six months earlier, and I'd probably had less beers with him than I had fingers. I suppose I'd assumed we wouldn't have much in common because he was gay, which was stupid of me.

"What's going on with you, anyway?" Uhtred asked. "I haven't seen much of you lately."

"And why do you think that is? If you unshackled yourself from Gisela once in a while, you might notice the rest of us are still alive."

"Twat." Uhtred shoved my shoulder and I almost spilled my beer down myself. "I'm sorry, I just—"

"You're smitten, is what you are," I teased. "Are you going to marry her?"

"I might do." He grinned.

"Have you bought the ring yet?"

"Uh, well—" He chuckled. "I looked at some."

"Jesus, you have got it bad."

"Anyway, we were talking about you."

"We were not."

"I asked what's going on with you. How's Eadith?"

"Do not go there." I groaned and paused to gulp half my pint before I continued. "It's finished."

"Why? I thought you liked her. Weren't you raving about how gorgeous she is a while ago?"

"I'm not arguing that she's gorgeous, but she was hell-bent on settling down and getting a ring on her finger so we could have half a dozen kids by the time I'm thirty-five. Our parents are as bad. 'I don't understand you, Finan. You should be married by now. You're almost thirty, lad.'" I mimicked my mother and Uhtred laughed. "You can laugh. I'll never hear the end of it, and I feel as guilty as hell that my mother cried about it. Eadith did, too, before she went mad and tore strips off me for wasting her time."

"I'm sorry." Uhtred sobered. "I suppose you had a bit of fun while it lasted though, right?"

I shook my head. "Not with Eadith."

"You dog!" He shoved me again. "You had a gorgeous girlfriend you didn't touch, and you slept with somebody else?"

"You wouldn't get it."

"Try me."

I sighed. "Eadith was brought up the same way as me—strict Catholic. She didn't mind breaking the odd rule, and she was keen to sleep with me, but birth control is a sin, so—"

"Isn't having sex before you're married a sin?" Uhtred's brow wrinkled.

"Yes, but she didn't mind breaking that one. I wasn't going there. She'd probably get pregnant and then I'd be forced to marry her." I scrubbed a hand over my face.

"Fair enough. And you're right; I don't get it. I'm Pagan, as you know, but only loosely. I sort of believe it, but I go my own way. I don't think anything bad will happen to me if I break the rules."

"Unlike you, I spent most of my life having the rules rammed down my throat by the parents and Father Pyrlig. It's difficult to tell yourself something different when it's all you know."

"So, what will you do now?"

I shrugged. "Carry on being a single sinner for now, I guess." I certainly wasn't going to admit to Uhtred what repeatedly crept into my mind, that I didn't even want to admit to myself.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finan spends an afternoon with Sihtric and learns he's not the only one with family troubles

Chapter 2

I called Sihtric eventually. I hadn't seen him at work to talk to, only in passing as we drove in and out of Winchester Fastcars' depot in our cabs. It was Saturday a couple of weeks after I helped Skade escape from her creepy date. Friday had been busy, and I crawled into bed about five on Saturday morning, then crawled back out of it three hours later because the neighbours were having a new garage built and the banging and hammering wouldn't let me sleep. I drank a gallon or so of coffee, ate some cold leftover takeaway food, watched TV for a while, then picked up my phone.

"Yeah, Finan, what's up?" Sihtric answered after a few rings. He sounded grouchy.

"What are you doing?"

"I was sleeping," he grumbled.

"Still? It's past noon."

"I got woken up by the police about nine."

"Why? What have you done?"

"Nothing. Haven't you seen the news?"

"No, should I have?" I groped for the remote control and flicked on my TV.

"A guy got the shit kicked out of him outside the Cauldron last night. Haesten something."

"How did I miss that?" I flicked through the channels to find some news, but they were reporting on something about a terrorist. "What did the police want you for?"

Sihtric yawned loudly.

"Why don't you get some more beauty sleep? I was gonna suggest getting a beer, but it can wait."

"Give me a couple of hours. I can meet you at the Red Bar at three," he suggested.

"Okay." I hung up without saying good-bye and turned my attention back to the TV. Eventually, the local news came on and reported that a Haesten Storrison was badly beaten outside the Cauldron and that Sven Hansen had been arrested for it. Another Dane. Hansen was known as Skorpa around town and had just finished a stint in prison for assault. It was the second time he'd been inside. It didn't surprise me that he'd apparently beaten up somebody else.

I lived near enough to the Red Bar to walk to it, and I was there just before three ordering a couple of beers. Sihtric rolled up at five past wearing a fancy leather jacket that looked new. He joined me at the table I'd chosen, and I pushed one of the beers towards him. He sipped it, eyes half closed, then looked across at me. I could swear he had black lines drawn around his eyes, and it drew attention to them. I'd never noticed he had one green eye and one brown, but I supposed I'd never had cause to look into them before.

He stared back at me. "What?"

I squinted and frowned. "Have you got makeup on?"

"It's just eye-liner, Finan, I often wear it."

"You wouldn't catch me wearing makeup." I smirked. "So, what do you know about the drama last night? I saw the news that Skorpa got arrested for beating up that Haesten fella."

"It wasn't Skorpa." Sihtric folded his arms on the table and leaned towards me. "I'm surprised you missed it. I was near the front of the line of taxis outside the Cauldron when the crowds started coming out. Uhtred and Gisela and all her mates were there. There was some bloke after Skade; you know the blonde girl?"

I nodded. "Yeah, I picked her up a couple of weeks ago."

Sihtric raised his eyebrows. "Really?"

"Not like that. In my taxi, you fool. Go on."

He grinned. "Anyway, Skorpa and two big blond thugs came out after them. I didn't see everything, but Skorpa headbutted the guy, then one of the thugs opened the door of my car and Skade and Skorpa got in, like they were royalty being waited on. I took off and dropped Skade home. Then Skorpa wanted to go to the Coalpit, so I took him there."

"Bet you loved that," I teased.

"I nearly shit my pants when he got in the car, but he was all right. He gave me a huge tip. That was the last I heard of it until the police woke me up this morning banging on the door. That Haesten guy was badly injured and they wanted me to confirm Skorpa had been in my cab and where we went. They'd seen Skade first and she sent them to me."

"So Skorpa didn't do it, then?"

"He couldn't have. Haesten was still on his feet with a bloody nose when we left. It took me half an hour to get to the Coalpit because there was an accident on the main road, and I had to detour around the Acorns, so it was after twelve-thirty by the time we got there. There was another news report a little while ago that said 'several witnesses' provided alibis for Skorpa, and they let him go."

"Wow, so you're a witness for Mr Scary," I teased.

"He seemed okay. I don't know how he knows Skade, but he was certainly keen to make sure she got home safely."

"I wonder if Haesten was the same guy she went on a date with?" I mused.

"What do you mean?"

"A couple of weeks ago she rushed out of the Crown like the devil was after her. I took her home and she said she'd met some fella off the Internet, and he was a real creep. I think she said he was short and overweight."

"Well, the one Skorpa headbutted last night was definitely short and stocky," Sihtric said. "I wondered if maybe Skorpa's sidekicks beat him up."

"Could be."

"What time are you starting tonight?"

"About six or half past. I thought I'd get something to eat first. Maybe pizza."

He grinned. "You'll end up with a gut like Haesten if you keep eating pizza."

"Fuck off. What are you on about? 'If you keep eating pizza.' I don't think you've ever seen me eat anything, except maybe once."

"I was teasing. Have you tried Angelo's Pizzeria? They make the best pizzas in town."

"Yeah, they do. I suppose we could swing by there when they open." I automatically included him in the suggestion.

"They're always packed on Saturdays, unless you book early, or order in advance to collect," he said doubtfully.

"I doubt many people will be in there eating at five. Have you got their number?"

"Yeah." He called the pizzeria and easily secured a table for five o'clock. I went to the bar and fetched two more beers.

"I was going to get the next round," he protested when I came back.

I shrugged. "Pay for the pizza, then."

"All right. I was surprised when you called earlier. Don't you normally spend Saturdays with your girlfriend?" He sipped his beer and glanced at me over the rim of the glass.

I grimaced. "Obviously, you haven't seen Uhtred in the last few weeks."

He shook his head.

"We broke up."

"You broke up with Eadith? I thought that was a long-term thing."

"Too long-term for me. She and our families were planning the rest of my life—marriage, kids, more kids, iron shackles." I rolled my eyes. "Fuck that."

"Ouch. Sounds like you had a lucky escape."

"Settling down not your thing either?"

"Well, it'd be nice to meet someone to be with, but I can't see myself with kids at any point. My twin sister is keen to have them. I suppose I'll just be a good uncle, who can give them back when I get sick of them."

I grinned. "I didn't know you had a twin."

"Sylvie." He huffed out a long sigh. "I don't see her so much anymore. She's married to a real arsehole."

"He's mean to her?"

"No, he just doesn't like me. He's a bigot. Same as our dad."

"You can't choose your family," I muttered.

"Unfortunately."

"Uhtred said you're Danish?" I queried.

"Half. My dad is Danish, my mother was English."

"Was?"

"She died of cancer five years ago."

"Shit, I'm sorry, Sihtric," I groaned.

"It's okay. She and my dad got divorced when Sylvie and I were teenagers. I had a lot to do with that. I came out when I was fifteen and Mum and Dad were always fighting about it."

"Came out of where?" I blurted.

Sihtric rolled his eyes. "Told them I was gay."

"Sorry." I gulped some of my beer. "So, I'm guessing your dad wasn't supportive?"

"He wanted to throw me out of the house. Mum wouldn't have it. They were already fighting over other stuff and that was the last straw, I think. He left. He never spoke to me again, but he made a big show of sending gifts to Sylvie and taking her out to do stuff. My last name was Kjartansson up to then, but I changed it to my mother's maiden name."

"Your dad sounds like a real piece of work."

"Yeah. Sylvie was torn up about it, because she and I are close and she supported me, but she didn't want to not see him."

"That makes my family sound easy."

"What are they like? Do you have siblings?"

"Eight."

"Eight?" Sihtric's eyes widened comically.

"Yeah, four brothers and four sisters, all married with numerous kids of their own. I'm uncle to twenty-seven kids. I'm the youngest of the family, too, so some of the brats are almost my age and married themselves."

"Why so many?"

"My parents are devout Catholics. One big no-no is using birth control, so they all just keep on having kids. Eadith's family is the same, hence why I never slept with her. I was telling Uhtred this not so long ago. If she got pregnant, I'd be down the aisle faster than I could say my own name."

"Do you believe in all of that stuff yourself?"

"It was how I was brought up. I don't know any different, but it doesn't mean I don't break the rules, practically every day, and then have to grovel to our priest and beg forgiveness." I groaned. "Please tell me to shut up and change the subject. You do not want to hear about my family's religious beliefs."

Sihtric grinned. "What if I said I was interested?"

"I'd say you need your head read." I glanced at my phone for the time, surprised to see how much of it had gone by already. "Drink up. We'd better get to Angelo's before they give our table to somebody else."


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finan gets to know Sihtric more over pizza, and decides to join the gym

Chapter 3

Angelo's was just opening its doors to the restaurant part of their business when we arrived, and we were shown straight to our table. A couple came in right after us, but there was no one else for the moment. Within minutes, we had soft drinks and menus in front of us. Sihtric took his jacket off and hung it on the back of his chair. He wore a black shirt underneath with the short sleeves rolled up even shorter, revealing most of his arms. He had a bit of a tan and although he was pretty thin, he looked toned.

"Do you go to the gym?" I blurted out, then buried my face in the menu, wondering why I'd asked him that.

He laughed in surprise. "Sometimes. Not as often as I should."

"Oh, I, um, I just wondered if Uhtred managed to get you to join. He's always on at me," I said quickly.

"Funnily enough, it was me going there and seeing the notice about staff wanted that got him interested in working there. Didn't he tell you that?"

"Nah, but I haven't seen much of him in the last few months, to be honest. He's with Gisela all the time. I've probably talked to you more in the last couple of hours than I've talked to him in a couple of months. He did a lot of courses when we were young. He wanted to be a gym trainer when we were in our teens, but then he qualified and there were no jobs to be had anywhere, so he ended up cabbing for a few years. More years than he'd have liked."

A waitress appeared and I realised I hadn't even looked at the menu, but we didn't have a lot of time to waste with our shifts looming. I put the menu down. "I'll just have a twelve-inch meat feast, please."

"I'll have a twelve-inch Hawaiian," Sihtric said.

The waitress wrote down the order and took the menus away.

"Don't you know pineapple doesn't belong on pizza?" I made a face. "That is the most disgusting combination ever invented."

"Ah, the age-old argument about whether pineapple goes on pizza or not." Sihtric laughed. "Didn't you have those little sticks with pineapple and cheese and whatever else on when you were a kid?"

"Yes, that's how I know it's disgusting."

"Well, I guess we're not swapping any, then."

"Definitely not." I sipped my coke and tried to think of something else to talk about. "So, you don't have any other siblings? Just your sister?"

Sihtric's smile slipped and his brows drew together. "I have an elder half-brother. My dad was married before he met my mum. Sven is ten years older and almost an exact replica of our father. Not so much in looks, but certainly in attitude. He lived with us, but he left home when he was nineteen. He was a bully when he was a teenager, and a nasty bigot when he got older. I haven't seen him in years. He doesn't have anything to do with Sylvie and me."

"That's rough. I should think myself lucky. My brothers and sisters are all there for each other. We all love each other. But none of them can understand me. It's a mercy that only the two eldest ones put any pressure on, like the parents."

"Do you think you will get married and follow tradition some day?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. I'm twenty-nine and I don't feel any differently about it than I did when I was twenty. To be honest, the idea of it horrifies me."

"Maybe you just haven't met the right girl yet."

"I suppose. I've had a few girlfriends, but none of them seemed like the right one. The one before Eadith—an evil bitch, she was. Manipulative and sneaky, worse than any of them. I didn't know whether I was coming or going. Even my parents hated her in the end, and that is saying something."

We chattered on while we waited for the pizzas, then dug in, silenced by the food. Sihtric paid the bill and we left a little after six. Ironically, we took a taxi to the taxi depot as it was too late to walk or get the bus or go home first and get our cars. I hurried into the office first, logged in and grabbed my keys, then headed out to the yard. By the time Sihtric came out, I was driving towards the gate. I lowered the window and leaned out.

"Hey. Thanks for today. It was good to have someone to hang out with."

He grinned. "Yeah, it was. We should do it more often."

"Definitely. Give me a call next time you have a day off." I drove off to the Red Bar to look for my first fare.

It was a busy night, as was usually the case on Saturdays. I didn't have time to think about much of anything, and when I got home at four in the morning, I fell into bed and slept. When I woke early on Sunday afternoon, I stood in the shower with my eyes closed until the hot water ran out, then peered at myself in the mirror—not the little shaving mirror in the bathroom, but the big one I had in the bedroom which I mostly ignored because it showed every sin in magnified detail.

I supposed I didn't look too bad, but I could do with working on my muscles. I flexed an arm and scowled at my reflection. Then I turned sideways and ran my hand over my stomach. What was it Sihtric said? "You'll end up with a gut like Haesten if you keep eating pizza." There was the beginning of a little pot belly there and it reminded me that I liked food way too much—usually all the things that weren't good for me.

I went back to the bathroom and trimmed my beard, then my pubic hair as well. A trip to the barber wouldn't go amiss but it would have to wait. I dug out some shorts and a tee shirt and an old pair of running shoes, grabbed my wallet and phone, and drove to the gym. I had no idea if Uhtred would be there, but it didn't matter one way or the other. I wanted to do something to improve my appearance.

I hovered in the reception area while two people stood at the desk talking to the woman there. A poster nearby gave the prices for gym membership and for a pay-as-you-go scheme, and various classes. Behind me, a glass wall revealed a classroom with a dozen leotard-clad ladies jumping around. Music could be heard faintly through the glass. Suddenly, it stopped, and the ladies began to spill out—breathless, sweaty, and clad in lycra—most of them apparently in need of the work-out. Uhtred came out behind them, wearing a lycra vest and cycling shorts that left nothing at all to the imagination, and his hair scraped up in a man-bun. He came over and clapped me on the shoulder.

"Finan! Don't tell me you finally decided to sign up."

"Mother of God. What in the hell are you wearing?" I backed away and made a face. "Does Gisela know you're prancing around in that get-up, flaunting yourself in front of all the ladies?"

Gisela appeared in bright pink leggings and a purple leotard and wrapped her arms around Uhtred's waist. "She does, and she loves every second of it, especially since she gets to go home with him while they can only dream," she said with a giggle.

I rolled my eyes. "I might have known you'd be in his class. The pair of you are joined at the hip these days."

"I'll go and shower and see you later," Gisela said. She kissed Uhtred's sweaty cheek. "Bye, Finan."

"Bye."

"So, what are you doing here?" Uhtred asked. "You're dressed for a work-out, so I assume you're not just here to hang out."

"Well, I don't want to do one of those daft classes."

"General all-body work-out?" Uhtred suggested. "Tighten the flabby bits and work on the muscles?"

"I do not have flabby bits, you cheeky bastard. I'm just a little, um, out of condition."

"How about an introductory session? You get an hour for free so you can decide what's going to work for you."

"With you? Looking like that?"

"I'm going to change first. My classes are done for the day. Sit there." He pointed to a bench. "I'll be five minutes."

I sat and waited until Uhtred returned in shorts and a vest, much to my relief. "You ready?" He led me down a corridor to a huge room filled with various machines and weights, with a couple of dozen men and women using them. There were many unused machines. "We'll start off with a circuit. I'll show you how all these things work. Then we'll try some free weights. What prompted you to do this, anyway?"

"Ah, well, I eat too much crap. I thought it was time I did something about it." For some reason I didn't want to tell him I hung out with Sihtric and what he said made me look at myself.

"Okay. We'll start with this one." Uhtred stopped beside a machine that had a bar dangling above the seat. "Sit there, one leg each side, reach up and grab the bar with both hands." He bent and poked about with the stack of flat weights behind the seat. "Keep your back straight. Pull down evenly behind your neck."

I did as instructed. The weight felt about right. I could feel it, but it wasn't difficult. "How did you know what weight to put on this?" I asked, pulling the contraption down again.

"It's my job, Finan. Keep it up. Ten reps."

He stayed with me for my entire introductory hour, with two sessions on each machine which worked arms, legs, shoulders, back, abdomen, and so on. Then I did various exercises with free weights until I was dripping with sweat and knackered. Uhtred grabbed a towel from a pile in a box in the corner of the room, and a cup of water from a machine beside it. "Here."

I gulped the water and wiped my sweaty face. "Well, that was… something."

Uhtred grinned. "So, are you coming back?"

"Yeah. It was okay, actually."

"That's a general all-over tone-up work-out. If you do that two or three times a week to start, it'll make a difference. You can gradually increase some of the weights over time. Because of your shifts, you might be best with a pay-as-you-go system to start with. Sihtric does that, too."

"Does he? Right. Do I have to sign anything?"

Uhtred made me fill in a form with multiple pages, gave me a temporary membership card that I needed to show at reception each time I attended, and pay. A proper card would arrive in the post in a week or two. Then he showed me the rest of the gym—showers and lockers, specialist work-out rooms, classrooms, sauna and steam room, and so on.

By the time I got home, I wondered why I hadn't caved to Uhtred's attempts to persuade me to go to the gym before now. It surprised me how much I enjoyed it.

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	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finan's parents and Father Pyrlig pressure him, and he works out his frustrations at the gym

Chapter 4

I went to the gym three times during the week, usually around the middle of the day so I could have a lie-in after my shifts and be done in time to try out the sauna and steam room, then get home for some food before work again. I only saw Uhtred once on the Thursday, in his aerobics gear, and he came over to check how I was getting on. He finished work around the same time as I finished my workout, and we got a snack in the gym cafeteria afterwards.

Saturday, I stopped putting off the inevitable and visited my parents. Once upon a time it had been tradition for at least some of us to get together on the weekends, but my visits had become less and less frequent, especially since I broke up with Eadith. My mother had called me repeatedly during the last couple of weeks, asking me when they were going to see me. So, I agreed to go for lunch.

"Finan, love! You're here!" Mum greeted as I let myself in. She flung her arms around me, her head level with my chest. She was a tiny woman. "It's been much too long."

"Sorry, I've been busy."

"Go on through. Your dad's in the dining room with Father Pyrlig."

I bit back the groan that threatened to burst out of me. I'd been avoiding going to church, too. Now, I was cornered.

"Hello, Dad."

In contrast to my mother, Dad was huge—taller and broader than me. He got up and greeted me in his booming voice, gave me a hug, and invited me to sit at the table. I sat. "Father Pyrlig." I nodded at him.

"Finan. I haven't seen you for a while," he said pointedly.

"Sorry, I've been busy," I repeated.

"Too busy for God?"

"I seem to remember once you said so long as I talk to Him, I can do it anywhere."

"Finan!" Dad reproached.

Mum came in then, carrying a huge dish with a lamb leg on it, surrounded by potatoes and several types of vegetables. After a couple more trips to the kitchen to fetch gravy, serving spoons, and a bottle of red wine, she took off her apron and sat down.

"Help yourselves. Sean, will you carve?"

Dad got up to carve the lamb. Once that was done, he poured the wine. I hated red wine and filled my glass from the water jug. "I'm driving in a couple of hours," I told them. "They need me early today."

"Oh, that's a shame. We never get to see you," Mum said.

"Sorry, Mum, but it's Saturday. It's always busy."

"I'll never understand why you can't have Sundays off and spend the day with us like you used to, instead of squeezing us in for a couple of hours on a day when you don't have much time."

"People don't stop needing a taxi just 'cause it's Sunday." I dug into the food. I felt more tense than usual, and it wasn't just that Mum had started criticising me from the beginning, but that they'd foisted Father Pyrlig on me, too. Clearly, it wasn't just going to be a family meal.

"I still think it's a shame about Eadith," Mum said in the next breath. "She was such a lovely girl. Her parents were as disappointed as we are."

"Well, I'm sorry, Mum, but I can't go and marry somebody just because you and her folks want me to."

"Finan," Dad grunted. "I know you think we go on at you, but you're nearly thirty. All your brothers and sisters were settled down with families of their own by twenty-five. We don't understand why you're dragging your feet so much."

"And I don't understand why you're trying to force me into something I'm not ready for. I'm all right as I am. I like my own space."

"It's usual to be nervous, even reluctant," Father Pyrlig said. "Your parents just want you to be happy. They want to see you settled."

"I am settled, Father." I poked my food around my plate, my appetite gone. Hot and uncomfortable, I gulped some water and avoided looking at any of them.

"I was chatting to Sandra Flynn the other day," Mum began, referring to a neighbour. "Her youngest is home from university, now. We thought you might like to meet her. She's very pretty and looking to settle down."

I frowned. I knew the girl they were referring to. "If I know anything about Colleen Flynn, she didn't just do a degree in physics only to get married and have half a dozen kids. She'll be looking for a career, not a husband, but I don't suppose her parents are happy for her to make her own decisions either." I just couldn't do it. Often, I pandered to my parents. I'd only started going out with Eadith in the first place because Mum and Eadith's mum pushed us together. "You know what? Maybe I'll never get married. Can't you be satisfied that all the others have done it? Aren't twenty-seven grandkids enough?"

"Finan!" Dad growled. Mum gasped, and Father Pyrlig gave me a stern look. "There's no cause to speak to us like that," Dad said. "We just want to see you happy."

"Well, I'm happy as I am. I wish you could accept that."

Mum shook her head. "Is this the influence of that Pagan friend of yours? What's his name? Something odd."

"Uhtred?"

"I never liked that boy and his family," Mum said.

"Why? Because they have different beliefs? Mum, there's nothing wrong with Uhtred. If you must know, he's thinking of marrying his girlfriend."

"Oh!"

"Finan, when am I going to see you at church?" Father Pyrlig asked. "It's been too long."

I knew he meant confession. "I'll come next week." I forced myself to eat some more of the meal. My parents dropped the subject of marriage and talked about other things instead: the local thug, Sven Hansen being released from prison was one of them. I listened but didn't contribute much. It occurred to me that Skorpa had the same name as Sihtric's half-brother. They couldn't be the same person, could they? Surely, Sihtric would have said so. What he had said, was that he'd almost shit his pants when Skorpa got in his cab. Besides, Sihtric had said his half-brother was ten years older than him. I estimated Sihtric to be in his early twenties, and Skorpa had to be at least forty. I realised I hadn't heard from Sihtric all week, and I'd only seen him in passing at work. He hadn't called. Maybe he hadn't taken a day off. I pictured him in the pub, leaning on the table talking to me, with his odd green and brown eyes ringed with eyeliner. I smirked at the thought.

"Finan, are you listening to me?" Mum's voice broke into my thoughts. My face warmed, and I realised I'd become so lost in thought about Sihtric, I'd tuned out my parents and Father Pyrlig.

My ordeal ended a couple of hours later, with my excuse that I was starting work early. I promised to make time for Sunday lunch soon and told Father Pyrlig I would see him in the next few days. As I drove home, I wondered when seeing my parents had become the ordeal it now seemed to be. How many years had they been trying to marry me off? Five? More? They hadn't put so much pressure on while the next youngest of the family was still single, but once Cara was off their hands and pregnant, they quickly turned their attention to me.

I would have liked to go for a good workout at the gym to burn off some of my annoyance, but I wouldn't have the time to make it worthwhile before I really did have to get to Winchester Fastcars. I swallowed my irritation and tension and waited until Sunday. I was at the door of the gym in the morning when it opened at nine, regardless of the fact that I had only had four hours' sleep.

I worked out hard. I'd got used to the weights Uhtred had introduced me to, and I increased them a little. By the time I was halfway through my session, I was sweaty, and my muscles had begun to ache. I took a break to get some water, then did some crunches while I rested my arms and legs for a few minutes. When I climbed off the bench and headed to the first weight machine again, I found Sihtric using it. He didn't notice me at first as he focused on what he was doing, arm muscles popping. He made it look easy, and I realised he had a lot more muscle than it appeared when he was relaxed. I watched until he'd finished his set.

"Aren't you going to speak?" He turned his head and grinned, revealing he'd known I was there all the time.

"Um, well, I didn't want to interrupt."

He looked me up and down. "Are you finished for the day?"

"Not even close. I've got some frustrations to work out."

Sihtric got up from the weight machine. "What's up?"

"Long story." I took his place and began pumping away. "Lunch with the parents yesterday. And my priest. I was probably harsher than I should have been. They're so damn determined to get me married off. They're even blaming Uhtred for being a bad influence."

"Why?"

"Because he's a Pagan."

"So am I."

"I know that, but they don't know you. They know Uhtred from when we used to hang out years ago."

"So, are they lining up young ladies for you, or have they picked one out?" Sihtric teased.

"Fuck off. They made a suggestion, but I told them it's not happening. I probably upset my mother. The next time I talk to her, she'll be laying on the guilt. Sorry, I don't want to heap my shit on you."

"It doesn't matter. I was going to call you a couple of days ago, but I—" He paused and looked away. "I don't know. Stuff got in the way."

"Are you working today?" I finished my reps and got up.

"Yes, unfortunately. They want me in at noon. I'll be done by seven, though."

"I'm off today," I said.

"So, do you want to get a couple of beers later?" He bit his lip as he waited for me to answer. I wondered about that. Did he think I wouldn't want to hang out with him?

"Sure. Just no pizza. I'm not doing all this hard work to ruin it with thousands of carbs."

Sihtric laughed. "Just beer, then."

"Okay."

I carried on my workout, and we talked intermittently as we used machines near to each other. When we finished, we got water and I grabbed a towel.

"Hey, guys!" A girl with long brown hair and a sweaty face came over. She was dressed in baggy shorts and an over-sized tee shirt. "Aren't you Uhtred's mates?"

"Yeah, Finan and Sihtric. You're—" I tried to remember her name. "—one of Gisela's friends? Brida, right?"

"Yup." She grabbed some water and poured it over her face, then towelled off. "Well, I'm off to the sauna."

"I think I'll do that, too," I said. I loved the sauna after a good workout, and it would ease the last of the tension lingering in me. "Sihtric?"

"Um—" He shook his head and flushed. "No, I should get to work soon."

"Oh, okay. See you later." I headed to the changing rooms, stripped off my sweaty gear, and wrapped the towel around me, then made my way to the sauna. No one else was in there, and Brida arrived a moment later, wearing a swimsuit with a towel wrapped around her waist.

"So, Finan," she said as she plonked down on a bench. "Are you single?"


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finan finds a confidante in Brida, and later enjoys an evening in the pub with Sihtric

Chapter 5

I stared at Brida, temporarily rendered speechless, until she burst into loud guffaws of laughter. "That rabbit in the headlights look on you is hilarious! Don't worry, you're not my type. Everyone will tell you I have a big gob and I tend not to care what comes out of it." She spoke with a strong Irish accent, then laughed some more.

I grinned. "I haven't seen you in here before."

"I just joined this week. I've been eating too much shite and there's this fella I like, so I thought I'd better knock the fast food on the head and burn some of it off, or he'll just think I'm a big lump."

"Who's the lucky man?" I asked.

"His name's Ragnar. He's one of Skorpa's henchmen. Skade started dating Skorpa, can you believe that? I think she's off her head."

"I agree with you."

"Anyway, Ragnar and Skorpa's other guy, Erik, seem to hang around him quite a bit, so Skade seeing him could be useful. But we were talking about you."

"Were we?" I chuckled.

"I asked if you were single," she reminded me. "You can tell me to mind my own business. I can be a nosy cow. I just like to talk."

"I've noticed. And yes, I'm single, and hoping it will stay that way for now."

"Weren't you dating that red-haired chick, Eadith?"

"Yes. It didn't work out."

"I heard. Her folks are as miffed about it as she is. What is it with Irish families, wanting to marry off their offspring?"

"You're Irish," I pointed out. "Aren't you a good Catholic girl?"

Brida laughed loudly again. "I am not. No purgatory for me; I'm going straight to hell. My mam and Father Pyrlig wrote me off years ago. Mam tried to make me behave but she was wasting her breath. She gave up when I was twenty-one. What about you? Are you a good Catholic boy, Finan?"

"I try. I'm the youngest of nine and the only one who's not married yet. You'd think the family would be satisfied with that, but they're determined to see me go the same way. It's not what I want."

"They'll probably keep on at you unless you tell them what's what. You're entitled to live your own life. You can't live it for somebody else."

"You don't know my parents."

"No, but I imagine they're like mine. I have six brothers and sisters, all older and all married with two dozen kids between them. They all try to make me feel bad, lay on the guilt, and tell me God will be disappointed in me and blah blah. I was brought up with it, but I have my own mind. Nobody will make me do anything I don't want to or stop me doing something I do want to. I suppose you have to ask yourself what's more important. Do you want to marry somebody and settle down to please them, and be miserable about it?"

"No, I don't." I smiled. I liked Brida already. I liked how she said what she thought, did what she wanted, and didn't seem to care about the consequences. I'd tried to be like that on occasion, but it usually ended with my mother crying and then the guilt got to me.

"So, do you like anybody?" she asked.

I shrugged and shook my head, even as unwelcome heat crept into my face. "I haven't really thought about it lately."

"Bollocks." Brida snorted. "Your face is red."

"It's hot in here." I scratched my neck, uncomfortable.

"You don't have to tell me. You don't know me really. I'm afraid my mouth has no filter. So, Uhtred and Gisela are disgustingly in love. We never see her anymore except on Mondays when men are banished from my house."

"I don't see much of Uhtred either," I agreed. "He's pretty besotted with her."

We chattered on, thankfully leaving the subject of my own situation behind. By the time we left the sauna, we'd gossiped about almost everyone we both knew, and I felt a hundred times better than when I'd arrived at the gym.

When I got home, I ate some lunch and napped on the couch. When I woke, it was after five. I took another shower and changed into jeans and a white shirt before going to meet Sihtric at the pub. I walked, so I wouldn't have to worry about how much I drank. My head was still a mess after Saturday, although Brida's company had helped somewhat, but I still looked forward to having more beers than I would normally.

By the time I reached the pub, a surprising and slightly alarming knot had formed in my stomach and my mouth was dry. I slowed my steps as I approached the door, my heart pounding. Why the sudden attack of nerves? Maybe it was because Sihtric seemed to have been acting funny at the gym. I remembered him saying he'd thought of calling me but made some excuse as to why he hadn't and looked away in a shifty manner. When he asked about meeting for a beer, he looked like he expected me to say no, and when I asked if he was coming in the sauna, he went red. What did all of that mean?

Brida's words popped into my head: "So, do you like anybody?"

I halted inside the pub door and gulped as I wiped suddenly sweaty palms on my jeans. Sihtric was at the bar with his back to me. His grey tee shirt was a couple of sizes too small, and unevenly tucked into faded jeans that looked as if he'd painted them on. He had his usual weird hairdo—the sides of his head were shaved and the long hair in the middle was kind of folded up at the back and secured with several elastic bands. It made me wonder how long it was if he let it loose. Suddenly, I was terrified. What if he liked me?

I almost fled. Almost. But then I gave myself a mental kick and walked over to the bar. I was being an idiot. Just because he was gay didn't automatically mean he would like me. I didn't think I was exactly God's gift to anybody. I refused to think about what I thought of him any longer. I leaned on the bar beside him. "Hey, did you get them in yet?"

"Just coming." He grinned and pointed at the barman, who had placed a pint on the bar and was pulling another.

"Thanks. Were you busy today?"

"No, it was dead. Hardly worth it." He handed a note to the barman and pushed the first pint towards me. "I should have taken the day off. Shall we get a table?"

"Sure." I picked up the pint and looked for somewhere to sit. The pub was about a third full, and I found a bench seat with a small table in a corner. Sihtric followed and sat next to me rather than on the stool at the other side of the table.

"Have you got over the ordeal from yesterday?" he asked.

"Not even a little bit. I should probably take a leaf out of Brida's book. We were chatting in the sauna earlier."

"Right. What about?" He gulped some beer, then stared into the glass.

"All sorts. Mainly about Catholic parents that don't like us living our own lives. She's not like me. She's a rebel. Doesn't care one bit what they think or say, or even what Father Pyrlig says."

"Well, it sounds like she knows what she wants. Probably better for you than whatshername. Eadith."

"Ah, no, I don't like her like that," I said at once. "She's more like a girl mate, you know? Besides, she likes one of Skorpa's men."

"Oh, right." Sihtric glanced at me and grinned. "Did you know Skade is seeing Skorpa? I drove her to the Coalpit on Tuesday to meet him."

"Yeah, I know. I always thought she was a bit nuts." I forgot about my strange anxiety and carried on talking to him as I drank my pint. It was gone pretty quick, and I got up to go back to the bar. "Same again?"

"Yes, please."

Things Brida said to me kept coming to mind over the next hour, and I began to feel rebellious and pleasantly chilled from the alcohol. When Sihtric fetched another round of beers, I got my phone out and switched on the camera.

"Oh, selfie time, is it?" He picked up his pint and leaned closer. "Cheers."

I clinked my glass against his, reversed the camera, and snapped a couple of pictures. "Let's see what the family think of this," I said, as I uploaded one of the pictures to Facebook, added a caption: 'Washing away my sins with a much-needed over-indulgence in alcohol,' and tagged Sihtric.

Most of my siblings were on Facebook and would be sure to see it and tell Mum and Dad. I could imagine Aisling's words—she was the second eldest. "Mum, I'm concerned about Finan. He's been out boozing and posting photos of himself on the Internet." Like I was a kid thumbing my nose at them. I supposed I was thumbing my nose a little bit on this occasion.

Sihtric got up to go the toilet, then remained standing when he returned. "Do you want anything to eat? We ought to get something to soak up the beer."

"Yeah, all right. Just a burger or something. And another pint, while you're at it." I grinned up at him.

"Okay." He turned to go, but I grabbed at him and caught his wrist. "No, wait, it's my turn to pay."

"It's fine."

"No, no, I insist." I tugged him closer and fumbled my wallet open with the other hand. "Here you go." I pressed a twenty into his palm. "Don't spend it all at once."

"You're pissed." He laughed and pulled his hand free to go to the bar. He returned minutes later with two more pints.

I quickly poured the remains of the last one down my throat and pushed the empty glass aside. "It's about time I let my hair down." Even I heard the slur in my voice, and I snorted with laughter. "Speaking of letting your hair down, what's this daft arrangement?" I tugged at the dangling knot of hair at the back of his neck. "How long is your hair anyway?" I let go of the knot and flicked it so that it swung from side to side.

"About here." He indicated a point halfway down his back.

"Shit, you have more hair than Uhtred." I picked up my drink and gulped some more. "How many is this? Five?"

"Four." He laughed some more. "You're going to feel like crap tomorrow."

"At least I'm enjoying myself now. I'm glad you're here. You're really good company." I was aware that I was more drunk than I intended to get, and it was still early. I was probably talking a lot of shit, but I didn't really care. I was usually too uptight for my own good.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finan suffers the after effects of too many beers, and has an awkward moment when he sees Sihtric naked in the gym changing rooms

Chapter 6

A few minutes later, two plates of burgers and chips were brought to our table, accompanied by a tray containing salt and pepper, and various sauces. The food went some way to soaking up the alcohol, but I was nowhere near done. I took a quick trip to the gents, then called at the bar on the way back and got two more pints.

"I'm impressed, you can still walk in a straight line," Sihtric said. "Only just though."

"I can hold my drink." I hiccoughed and laughed.

I lost track of time as we made our way through another round or two; or it could have been three. Everything seemed to be funny, and I was still laughing when we staggered out of the pub to find a taxi. We were picked up by a big beefy guy named Steapa, who had worked for Winchester Fastcars longer than anybody else there.

"Don't you two dare puke in my cab, or you can clean it," he threatened as we tumbled into the backseat.

"Wouldn't dream of it," I slurred and laughed hysterically.

Sihtric was dropped off first. I could barely keep my eyes open by the time he got out of the car, and I couldn't remember if I said goodbye to him or not. When Steapa pulled up outside my flat, I peered at the note I had in my hand, trying to work out if it was a five or a ten.

"It's a ten," Steapa said. "Put it away, you idiot. I'm not going to charge you. Now get out and bugger off so I can do some work."

I made my way inside and went to the bathroom. I peed while leaning heavily on the wall in an effort not to fall down, then went to bed. At least I thought it was my bed. The room was spinning. I realised later it had to be the couch, because it wasn't quite long enough to stretch out on properly. "G'night, Sihtric," I mumbled. I knew I was alone. I had to be because he'd been dropped off first. And yet I was sure I could see his face. It was in my head—he seemed to be staring at me intently with one brown eye and one green. "Damn, you have pretty eyes," I whispered. Then I was gone.

When I woke, I couldn't bring myself to move for several minutes. The room was light—the brightness the other side of my eyelids warned me not to open my eyes just yet. My mouth felt like I'd been licking the carpet, and someone was inside my head with an axe, hacking up my brain—at least that's what it felt like. Eventually, the need to piss forced me up and I dragged myself to the bathroom. I peeled off the clothes I'd slept in, stepped into the shower and turned on the water.

"Fuck!" I squeaked, as icy water cascaded onto my pounding head. But I stayed there, shivering, for several minutes until I was completely sober. Then I made myself a huge mug of black coffee and swallowed some painkillers. I felt like hell. Worse than hell. I couldn't remember ever being this badly hungover. I couldn't remember how much I drank either, but it was more than usual. I made some toast and tentatively nibbled a slice, convinced it would make a swift reappearance, but it stayed down.

My phone beeped and vibrated, and I checked it to find several notifications on Facebook and a text from Sihtric saying he hoped my hangover wasn't too severe.

'I'm dying,' I responded.

A second later, several laughing emojis arrived. I ignored that and opened the post I'd uploaded to make sure I hadn't actually written anything ridiculous, but all it said was that I was washing away my sins with alcohol. My family would hate it when they saw it. I even looked well on the way to being drunk in the picture, and I knew I hadn't had that many then. Sihtric appeared to be having the time of his life, beaming from ear to ear, eyes sparkling.

'Damn, you have pretty eyes.' I recalled saying that at some point. "Please, God, tell me I didn't say that to him," I groaned, my face burning.

A new notification came up on my phone with a comment on the picture from someone I didn't know: Sylvie McIntyre. She must be his twin sister. 'Sihtric, have you got a new man?'

"Oh fuck," I muttered.

'No, he's just a mate.' The reply from Sihtric appeared immediately.

I chuckled then. I imagined him seeing her comment and saying the same thing as me: "Oh fuck," when he knew I would see it.

Half an hour later, my phone rang. I was on my third coffee and feeling slightly more human. I considered not answering when I saw it was Aisling, but she'd only keep calling so I may as well deal with it straight away.

"Hello, Aisling," I answered brightly.

"Don't 'hello Aisling' me. What are you doing getting drunk, showing off with a man who wears makeup, and broadcasting it to all and sundry? Judging from one of the comments, he's, um, you know what I mean. Mum and Dad will go spare."

"They will if you tell them."

"If I don't, one of the others will. Don't you care, Finan? What will people say about you?"

"Probably that I looked like I was having a good time with my friend." I rolled my eyes. I wouldn't let myself rise to it. I had had a good time.

"I'm surprised you want to have friends of that sort."

"What sort? Are you more bothered that he's gay, or that his name is a pretty obvious indication he's not Christian? I like him, okay? Unlike some I could mention, I'm not a bigot who would shun somebody just because of their preferences."

"I can't talk to you when you're like this," Aisling said and clicked her tongue.

"Don't try, then. What am I? Twelve? I don't need a second mother having a go at me, one's enough."

"Yes, but all you seem to do lately is upset her. Maybe you should think about that once in a while. You do behave like you're twelve. It's time you grew up and settled down." She hung up.

"Bye, Aisling," I said to the dead phone.

I considered going to the gym again, but the thought of working out made me feel queasy. I returned to the couch and sprawled there in front of the TV, playing with my phone and waiting for other family members to message me. None of them did, and I didn't hear from my mother either, but my youngest sister Cara called me.

"Finan, you should probably not put your shenanigans on Facebook," she said with a giggle. "Mum will go mad when she finds out."

"You mean she hasn't yet?"

"Well, if she has, I haven't heard. Aisling's not impressed."

"I know, she called this morning."

"Who's your friend? I don't think I've seen him before."

"Sihtric? He's a workmate."

"He's awfully cute. Don't tell Conor I said that." She laughed some more as she mentioned her husband.

"I won't. So, you don't care about my 'shenanigans' then?"

"It's up to you what you do. I just wouldn't shout about it on the Internet if you don't want a hard time from everybody else."

"Well, it's good to know I have one supporter."

"I don't envy you when Mum and Father Pyrlig get hold of you."

I groaned. "I suppose I'd better go and see him. I promised I would this week."

"I bet he dreads seeing you. Your confessions probably take an hour!"

"Yeah, I know, I'm a bad boy." We laughed together and I was relieved I had a little support from at least one sibling.

I put off seeing Father Pyrlig for another couple of days, then picked a time when I knew he would be too busy to do more than hear the shortened version of my confession. Twenty minutes later, I was in the gym.

I worked out most days that week. I saw Uhtred a couple of times in his obscene lycra outfit, with half of his aerobics class panting over him. On Friday, I went earlier than usual and ran into Sihtric in the changing rooms. I hadn't seen him all week. It was strange how we could work at the same place every day and rarely see each other.

I went into the changing room to put my bag in my locker, just as Sihtric came out of the showers, naked and dripping. No one else was around at that moment and because I hadn't expected to see him, and certainly not like that, I stared for a couple of seconds until his startled face turned red, before I jerked my gaze away. My ears burned and suddenly my locker key was incredibly interesting as I pretended the lock was stuck.

"All right?" I grunted in greeting.

"Yeah, you?"

"Yeah. Good workout?" I glanced sideways again. He had his back to me and a towel around his waist as he dried his upper body with a second towel. His hair was loose—a long wet tail down to the middle of his back.

"It was okay."

I opened my locker and shoved my bag inside. The room seemed awfully hot, and my heart pounded. What the hell was wrong with me? I wouldn't be this awkward if it was Uhtred near me, naked and wet. I'd probably take the piss out of him. Then again, the last time I'd seen Sihtric I'd been thinking about his pretty eyes. My face burned.

"See you later," I muttered as I fled the room and charged into the gym.

By the time I'd worked out for an hour, my discomfort was pretty much forgotten. I was an idiot. I just hadn't expected to suddenly see him starkers right in front of me. I showered and changed into my jeans and shirt, then made for the exit.

"Hey, Finan." Sihtric got up from a bench outside the front door. The first thing I noticed was that his hair was tied up again, the way he usually had it.

"Hey. Still here?"

"Yes, I wanted to talk to you."

"You waited all this time for me to come out?" Damn, I needed to choose my words more carefully. My face grew hot again.

His lips twitched, then he frowned. "Do you have a problem with me?"

"What?" My eyes widened. Shit, I was behaving like an fool. "No, of course I don't," I said quickly. "Why would you think that?"

"Because you were weird as hell in the changing room when you saw me. As if you were worried I might jump on you, or something." He laughed, but it was forced, and he avoided my eyes.

"I'm sorry, I was just surprised to see you." I cursed myself all over again and told myself to get a grip. "I guess I was envious because you look so much better than me," I added, hoping a slight joke would improve things.

Sihtric smirked and met my gaze. "There's nothing wrong with you. I've just been coming here longer than you, that's all. So, what did your family say about your night on the piss?"

I groaned. "Well, my eldest sister was the first on the phone—" I paused. "This is a long story. You want to get a coffee or something?"

"Yes, I might need it to keep me awake." He laughed and I rolled my eyes. Thank God. The momentary awkwardness was passed. We headed back into the building and made for the cafeteria.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finan can't get Sihtric out of his mind and tries to avoid him

Chapter 7

The coffee in the cafeteria stretched into lunch. I enjoyed spending time with Sihtric more than I wanted to admit, but eventually we had to go our separate ways to take our gym gear home and get ready for work. I was starting earlier than Sihtric.

I imagined Uhtred and Gisela and her friends would be at the Cauldron as usual. I kept meaning to take a day off and see one of the bands there, but Fridays and Saturdays off work at Winchester Fastcars were like hen's teeth—you had to book them weeks in advance and hope the boss was in a good mood. I hadn't got around to it.

As usual, both Friday and Saturday nights were busy, and by Sunday I was exhausted. My mother called me at ten and woke me up to ask me to visit them, but this time I had a good reason not to—I could barely open my eyes and needed to catch up on some sleep. I eventually got up around one in the afternoon and showered, but I didn't bother getting dressed apart from a pair of boxer shorts. I made myself a snack and some coffee, then sprawled on the couch with the TV remote control, flicking channels in the hopes of finding something of interest. Nothing held my attention, and I thought about going to the gym. Working out when I was this tired probably wasn't a good idea—Uhtred would tell me I'd do myself an injury—but an hour in the sauna might be just what I needed.

I walked into the gym changing rooms and immediately a sense of déjà vu hit me. There was Sihtric on his way out of the showers, naked and wet. I stared. My mouth went dry, and my heart began to pound as he came towards me. I noticed every little detail. Droplets of water rolled down over his firm pecs, and onwards over several sets of perfect abs. I gulped as my wide eyes followed them down between the 'V' of his obliques. He was extremely lean and seemed not to have an ounce of spare fat anywhere. I dragged my gaze back up to his face. He was smiling as he moved closer, and he lifted a hand to place on my chest, right over my heart where he would feel it banging away like it wanted to explode.

"So, you think I have pretty eyes?" he said huskily.

"Sihtric," I whispered. I prayed he wouldn't look down. I was as hard as a rock and it would be tenting my gym shorts. I slid my hand down to adjust myself and blinked. Then I jerked in shock, and the remote control flew out of my hand and crashed onto the empty plate on the coffee table.

"Holy hell!" I sat up and ran a hand over my burning face. I looked around me, but I was definitely still on my couch and no one was in the room but me. Thank God. And yes, I was as hard as a rock. I couldn't get the dream out of my mind. Obviously, it had stemmed from me seeing him naked on Friday, and I'd turned away quickly before I saw everything. Presumably that was why I hadn't seen anything else in the dream. I hadn't really said anything about his eyes, had I? That had to have been in my head when I was drunk. He would have commented, wouldn't he? "Jesus Christ," I muttered.

I adjusted myself absently, shoving my erection back into my underwear from which it had escaped. It throbbed persistently, and I clenched my fists. I would not toss myself off to thoughts of Sihtric. Absolutely not. No way.

I could almost feel his hand on my chest. The dream had been so vivid, I could feel him, and hear his voice. I closed my eyes and slumped back against the cushions with a groan. I would never be able to face him again if I did this, but I couldn't stop myself. My hand was already in my shorts, lightly stroking my cock. I tried to think about something else. I got as far as picturing Eadith in the sauna with a skimpy towel around her, pouting and letting the towel slip so I could see more and more flesh. But in reality, I'd never seen her like that. She'd done her best to entice me, and I'd refused to be tempted. Now, I was so tempted I couldn't keep her or anybody else in my head. All I could see, was Sihtric, naked and dripping. His eyes and his body seemed to be imprinted on my brain.

In the end there was no fighting it. I was so turned on I ached, and I had to find relief. I gripped myself tighter. I grew hot all over, both from arousal and embarrassment, but I didn't stop. I didn't last very long either and when I lay still, gasping for breath, I tried to think up ways to avoid Sihtric for the rest of my life. About five seconds later, I thought of Father Pyrlig and instantly I was eighteen years old again.

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It has been two weeks since my last confession." I couldn't remember what I'd confessed to in detail—the usual, most likely—endless masturbation, disrespecting my parents, and so on. But there was one thing I would never forget. "My friend and I… did some things." I hadn't realised then that it was better to keep certain things to oneself, and I confessed absolutely everything.

"What things?"

"Touching."

After the confession ended, Father Pyrlig had invited me to wait for him in his office, and I'd had to sit there, panicking, for an hour while he listened to other confessions. I tried reasoning with myself that he wasn't allowed to tell anybody, because confessions were between the confessor and the priest, but I couldn't stop myself worrying that he would tell my parents.

What followed, had been an hour of him telling me about how I had sinned, how it wasn't natural, and how my family would be ashamed. He could be brutal on occasion, and I felt as if I shrank to half my usual size with shame, even as part of my brain argued against it, especially as there had been something on the news recently about a Catholic priest getting in trouble for taking advantage of two fourteen-year-old altar boys.

The memory stuck with me as I took another shower, scrubbed the sweat and come off myself, and tried to tell myself I hadn't actually done anything wrong. I was always tossing myself off—most days, and often more than once. Just because something different had been in my head while I did it, I hadn't made things any worse for myself than they already were. I sure as hell wasn't about to confess to Father Pyrlig that I gratified myself to thoughts of a Pagan male.

"Fucking hell," I muttered. Instantly, Father Pyrlig was out of my head and Sihtric was back in it—primarily how I would ever face him again without blushing from head to foot. He'd probably take one look at me and guess.

I didn't see him for a couple of days, mostly because I shot in and out of the taxi depot as if the devil himself were after me and didn't go to the gym. On Wednesday I relaxed more when I arrived at work, because I knew it was his day off. I finished at eleven, switched my cab for my rusty old Ford, and drove back to my flat. My phone started ringing as I unlocked the door, and I fumbled it out of pocket, wondering who could be calling me after eleven at night. Sihtric.

"Shit," I muttered. I considered not answering, but something told me I should. Why would he call this late unless something was wrong? Then again, he was probably calling this late because he guessed I'd be about finished with work. I pressed the 'answer' button quickly before he gave up. "Sihtric?"

"Hi. Sorry to call this late. I, um, I thought you'd probably have finished work by now."

"Yes, just got home. What's up?"

There was silence, other than the sound of him breathing. Then he cleared his throat. "Can I talk to you, please?" He didn't sound right. His voice was rough, as if he'd been shouting a lot, or possibly crying. Any embarrassment at the thought of seeing him quickly left me.

"Of course. Should I come over to yours?"

"You don't have to do that." He sniffed.

"Yes, I do. What's your address?" I locked my door again and jogged back to my car. He gave me the address of a flat about a mile away from mine. "I'll be five minutes," I said and ended the call. What could have happened? I didn't really know what was going on his life, other than that his father, half-brother, and brother-in-law were all arseholes to him. Maybe it was his sister. I hoped to God he didn't have a boyfriend he wanted to talk to me about. I wouldn't have a clue what to say about that. Then again, I remembered him saying something along the lines of, 'It would be nice to meet someone to be with,' so it probably wasn't that. I kept up the inner monologue as I drove to his flat and parked on the street behind his ancient Vauxhall. His place was on the top floor of the building, and he buzzed me in. I trotted up the three flights of stairs rather than use the lift. My efforts at the gym lately meant I wasn't breathless when I reached his door. He opened it before I could knock.

"Come in. You didn't have to come over, you know. I could have talked on the phone." He turned away but not before I caught a glimpse of his puffy eyes.

"You sounded like you'd rather I came over." I closed the door behind me and followed him into a tidy living room—sparsely furnished and with no crap lying about like there was in my place.

"Yeah. Um, do you want a drink of anything?"

"No." I sat at one end of the couch and patted the cushion next to me. "Talk to me."

"I, um—" He sat down and wrapped his arms around himself. The baggy sweatshirt he was wearing was too big for him and made him look smaller than usual. His hair was still tied up the way he usually wore it, and I wondered if he slept with it like that. "I talked to my sister today," he continued. "I'm the last to know, as usual. Her husband and our father wanted to keep it to themselves. Even Sven knows. They've been keeping it from me for six months. She's having cancer treatment."

"Oh, Sihtric," I groaned, horrified. "How could they not tell you? Why didn't she tell you?"

"Her husband wouldn't let her. She says it's under control. They caught it early enough. It's cervical. She'll never be able to have kids now. She's had a hysterectomy."

I don't think he realised tears were trickling down his cheeks. He just sat there, staring blankly across the room. It was difficult to understand how a family could shut out one person from something so important. If one of my brothers or sisters even had a pimple, all the others would know within about five minutes, including all my nieces and nephews who were old enough to understand whatever it was.

"I don't know what to say," I said. "I'm so sorry."

Sihtric sniffed and wiped his nose on the back of his hand. "She's Christian," he said. "She agreed to convert to please her husband. So, I guess you could pray for her."


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finan comforts Sihtric after the news about his twin sister, which gives Finan even more concerns about himself

Chapter 8

"I can do that." I rested my hand on his shoulder and squeezed.

"You know what makes this worse? I mean, it's bad anyway. She's only twenty-three. But the fact that they kept it from me. Like I'm not important. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. After my mother died, Sylvie moved in with our father. She called and texted all the time, but I barely saw her. She got married a year later at nineteen. She kept in touch as much as she could, but between her husband and our father, they cut me out."

"What did you do after your mother died?" I slid my hand around the back of his neck to his other shoulder, and he leaned against me.

"Sylvie and I talked about getting a place together, but Dad wouldn't let her. He wanted to make sure she finished school. He came one day with a truck and took her and all her stuff. The house we lived in was rented, so I had about two weeks to get out. I spent a couple of months crashing at a friend's house until I got a job in a factory. Then I found a bedsit."

I was horrified. I couldn't understand his family at all. "I wish I'd known you then. I'd have given Kjartan a piece of my mind."

Sihtric snorted. "And a fist in the face, knowing you."

"Probably. Then I'd have something else to confess to Father Pyrlig."

"Doesn't he get sick of seeing you?" Sihtric teased.

I withdrew my arm from around him. "I don't go very often, and I don't tell him the half of it. I'm not a very good Catholic."

"Surely, so long as you don't go around killing and raping and whatever, it's not that bad?"

"Ah, it's difficult to explain to someone who's not Catholic. Pretty much everything is a sin. Even having inappropriate thoughts, let alone doing what you're thinking about."

"So, you confess all of this stuff to your priest and what? Beg forgiveness? Then go and do it all again?"

"Yeah, that's about it." I grinned and shrugged.

"You're going to hell then?" He laughed a little.

"The way things are going I'll certainly do a long stretch in purgatory. That's kind of a waiting room on the way to heaven that's supposed to make you suffer to pay for your sins. The worse your behaviour, the longer you're stuck there. What do you believe in?" Uhtred had told me something of his beliefs, but it didn't mean Sihtric's were the same, just because he was Pagan.

"I'm not really much of a believer in anything. I suppose I'm more of an Atheist. My father is Pagan, my mother converted for him. Sylvie followed until she got married. They believe in some form of reincarnation. I just think that when your life's over—whether it's from old-age or something else—you're snuffed out like a flame in the wind, and that's it. Nothing."

"Maybe I should take a leaf out of your book. I'd have less to worry about."

He laughed some more. "This turned into a pretty deep conversation. Considering you came over in the middle of the night just to cheer me up. It worked, by the way. Thanks."

"Well, the least you can do is get me a drink of something, then."

"I offered and you said no."

"I thought it might come with a dose of salt." I touched his face which was still damp with the remnants of his tears. He met my eyes, obviously surprised, and I snatched my hand back.

"Beer or coffee?"

"Come on, Sihtric, what do you think?"

He grinned and got up. A moment later I had a beer in my hand.

I stayed a couple of hours. The conversation moved to happier subjects. I made him laugh with stories of when I was a kid, always in trouble and grovelling to Father Pyrlig for my endless misdemeanours, while my siblings pretended to be perfect on the outside, but occasionally got sprung for something just as bad. I wondered if I was making him feel worse about what he never had, but he kept prompting me to continue until both of us were yawning—from tiredness rather than boredom.

"I'd better get out of here," I said eventually; reluctantly. It would soon be two in the morning. "I wanted to get to the gym tomorrow before work. I've been slacking the last few days." I made my way to the door and Sihtric followed.

"I'm going tomorrow, too," he said. "Probably about three."

"See you there, then."

"Okay. Thanks, Finan." He paused, then pulled me into a hug, one arm around my neck and the other around my waist. I hugged him back in the same way, and for a moment his cheek rested against mine. My heart began to pound, and my mouth went dry. It seemed more than the sort of hug I'd give Uhtred if he was upset about something. That would be a quick one-armed hug and a pat on the back. I remembered doing exactly that a few years earlier when he got ditched by some girl before Gisela and felt like the world had ended. Sihtric continued to rest against me, his breath warm on my neck, the tuft of hair on his chin that he called a beard tickling my collarbone. I reminded myself it was comfort he was after—nothing else—but I still liked it more than I should have.

When I ran down to my car and drove home, I couldn't get the feel of him in my arms out of my head. It was only then that I remembered why I'd been avoiding him until he called me, and once again, my face burned. Now I not only had the memory of him naked at the gym to torment me, but the more recent one of him pressing against me, holding onto me, which seemed to be more intense all of a sudden.

I didn't sleep well that night. I couldn't stop thinking about Sihtric and cursing myself for doing so. Then I cursed myself some more for the flutter of excitement I felt when I dragged myself out of bed and remembered I would see him in a few more hours. I didn't know what to do about these feelings, and I had no one I could talk to either. Other than Father Pyrlig when I was eighteen, no one had any idea I'd ever entertained such thoughts. I doubted any of my family would be there for me on this subject, and I could hardly talk to Uhtred about it. I didn't have a particular mate who was a girl who might have been easier to talk to. I liked Brida, but I'd only just met her and didn't really know her. Also, she had a big mouth and gossiped about everyone, by her own admission. I was on my own.

I arrived at the gym early, put my bag in my locker, and went into the workout room. Uhtred was there showing two girls how to use the stair climbers. When he was done, he came over to me where I was using a bicep curl machine.

"Where've you been the last few days?"

I grinned. "Avoiding you. What do you think?"

"Avoiding hard work, more like, you lazy bastard. Have you seen Sihtric? He hasn't been in either."

"Yeah, yesterday. He has some stuff going on. He'll be in today."

"You've been hanging out with him?"

"Sometimes. Who else am I going to go for a beer with? I'd need a crowbar to get you away from Gisela these days."

He laughed. "I'm sorry. I keep meaning to catch up with you, but—"

"I know, I get it. She's prettier. I'm just so hurt, Uhtred. Feeling totally abandoned here."

He laughed some more and stepped away from the machine as I got up. "Here's Sihtric now," he said. "He looks like someone died. Is he okay?"

I frowned. "Yeah. You should talk to him."

"I will as soon as I deal with those two over there." He indicated two young guys trying to run backwards on the treadmills and almost falling. He left me and I went over to Sihtric who was setting up the weights on one of the other machines.

"How are you?"

"I'm okay. Thanks." He glanced over at Uhtred. "Did you tell him?"

"About Sylvie? No, that's not for me to tell, unless you want me to. He was wondering why you hadn't been in for a few days, so I just said you had some stuff going on."

He nodded. "Okay."

"He said he'd come and talk to you when he's free. I'll get back to it." I carried on with my usual circuits. Uhtred joined Sihtric after a few minutes and they stood talking, then Sihtric lay on a workout bench and Uhtred spotted him while he bench-pressed some impressive looking weights. When I finished my session, Sihtric followed me to the changing rooms. He was dripping, with sweat this time, and the muscles in his arms were popping. I'd had a good workout too, but I had more flesh on me than him and it was a little less obvious.

Usually, I would do the same as Sihtric had the previous week—take a shower and go back to where my gear was naked, not caring who was around. All the guys did the same thing. But I was too uptight and self-conscious this time, and took a towel in with me. My greatest fear was seeing him come out of the shower again when I didn't have anything to hide behind, and inadvertently getting a hard-on. The thought was mortifying.

I stayed in the shower longer than usual, and when I emerged, he was already dressed, standing in front of one of the mirrors and fixing his hair. I quickly put my clothes on, and we headed for the cafeteria together in silent mutual agreement.

We didn't bother going halves anymore. It seemed that we were going to keep on spending time together, whether it was for coffee or lunch here at the gym, or in the pub. Apparently, it was my turn to pay, and I grabbed us two coffees and a snack while he found a table. He liked the Mexican chicken wraps, so I got two, not bothering to ask what he wanted.

"You talked to Uhtred?" I said when I sat down.

"Yeah. He didn't really know what to say. You were better at it." He met my eyes and grinned. "I'm okay. Last night I'd only found out a few hours before. Of course, I'm worried about her, but she assured me everything's going to plan. It hadn't spread and they seem to have got it all. She's just having a session of chemo to get rid of any possible bits remaining. I think that was it."

"That's good." I yawned. "Sorry."

"No, I'm sorry. I doubt you needed that last night after a long shift."

"Listen, you can call me any time you want. Doesn't matter if it's the middle of the night or whatever. I mean, obviously don't call me at midnight to chat about the weather, though."

He laughed. His eyes were still locked with mine. I noticed his lashes were long and dark; not something that usually stood out because the eyeliner detracted from anything else, but he didn't wear that at the gym. He flushed suddenly and looked away. "Sylvie has odd eyes too," he said. "Only hers are the other way around—the left one is brown and the right green."

'Pretty,' I thought again. Damn it. "Unusual," I said. My face felt as hot as his looked. I picked up my wrap and took a big bite. What the hell was happening here? Did he have the same thoughts about me as I had about him?


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finan wades in when Skorpa attacks Sihtric, and comforts Sihtric after devastating news

Chapter 9

Nothing changed for me over the next few weeks. I worked, went to the gym, hung out with Sihtric, and had a couple of lunches with Uhtred. I visited the family, put them off parading yet another girl in front of me, and confessed once to Father Pyrlig, leaving out all the stuff that really bothered me.

I repeatedly told myself there was nothing going on regarding Sihtric. He was my mate—that's it. I caught him staring at me now and again with an intent look on his face, and then he'd turn away quickly. I tried not to let myself think about him too much, but it was difficult not to when I saw so much of him. A few times—actually, a lot of times—he crept into my mind when I was playing with myself, and then I was always filled with guilt afterwards, not to mention embarrassment when I saw him again.

I hadn't seen him for a few days now. It was a miserable damp Saturday at the end of July, and I'd been lucky enough to secure a day shift at work, meaning I would finish by eight or thereabouts. I dropped off a fare at the railway station, then headed down the High Street to see if any damp shoppers were looking for a ride. A bright orange Toyota Supra was in front of me, going too fast for the busy street, almost running over a couple of people as they ran across. I shook my head.

"Bloody Skorpa," I muttered. His car was distinctive and well-known. God alone knew what Skade saw in him, but Uhtred had said they were completely smitten with each other. Brida was dating one of his thug mates now, too—the one she'd told me about that day in the sauna. I'd seen her a couple of times since and she'd been happy to continue gossiping about everybody, but pointedly left out anything about her own love life.

Suddenly, Skorpa's car veered over to the left, its wheels mounting the kerb, and screeched to a halt. I braked hard and stopped, wondering what was going on. "What a dick," I said, as Skorpa leapt out of the car, left the door open, and charged towards a nearby pub. I watched, curious, as he approached a couple who appeared to be cuddling each other outside the pub doors. The girl was obviously Skade—I'd recognise her hair anywhere.

Skorpa reached them, grabbed the guy she was hugging by the scruff of the neck, and yanked him away from her. Sihtric! I opened my door.

"What the fuck is going on?" Skorpa bellowed at Sihtric. "What the fuck do you think you're doing putting your hands on Skade?" He pulled his fist back, and Sihtric shrank away from him.

"Skorpa!" Skade grabbed his arm.

"Shit." I threw myself out of my cab, slammed the door, and bounded across the pavement.

"Let go," Skorpa was saying. He shook Skade off him and took another step towards Sihtric.

I hadn't been this fired up in a long time—not since the brawl I was in a few months ago when I was drunk. But anybody with partial eyesight could see that Sihtric was scared and upset, and rage bubbled up in me. "Leave him alone!" I shouted, as I rushed to them. I skidded to a halt in front of Skorpa, fists clenched, and planted my feet in a boxer's stance. "Back off, dickhead! If you want to come at someone, try me!"

Skorpa hesitated and eyed me up. Then Uhtred, Gisela, and one of her mates burst out of the bar, and a group of passers-by began to gather.

"Skorpa, leave him alone. It wasn't what you think," Skade said.

Skorpa continued to glare for a moment, then turned towards Skade. Seconds later, he charged back to his car, dived into it, and left burnt rubber on the road as he tore away.

I spun around and pulled Sihtric into my arms without hesitation. I had no idea what had prompted all this, but it didn't matter. He looked terrible, and I hated it. "It's okay," I said. "I'll take you home."

He wrapped his arms around me and held on tight. He was trembling.

"Skade!" Gisela and her other friend whose name I could never remember rushed to her. "Are you okay?"

"Fine."

I glanced at the three girls over Sihtric's shoulder. "Skade, you really need to think about whether you want that psycho in your life. What happens if you piss him off some day? You want his fist in your face? Come on, Sihtric." I steered him to my cab and pulled open the passenger side door. "Get in."

He slid into the seat. I closed the door, jogged around the other side, and jumped in. A moment later we pulled away. I glanced at him anxiously. He hadn't spoken, and he sat silently, shivering, clenched hands pressed between his knees. His eyes were half-closed, lashes wet and spiky.

A car hooted at me, and I turned my attention back to the road, quickly jerking the wheel to the right a second before I hit the kerb. "Sorry. What happened?"

"I heard from my sister earlier."

A cold hand clenched around my insides. If his appearance was anything to go by, the news hadn't been good. I turned left and headed for my own flat—it was closer than his.

"How bad is it?" I asked.

"The doctors fucked up." He cleared his throat. "She's not going to make it. The cancer has spread. Somehow, they missed something. I don't know. A few weeks ago, when she first told me, she said she was getting better. I saw her about three weeks back and she seemed all right. She had lost a lot of weight and she had a scarf on because her hair was falling out from the chemo, but she was the same way she always is. Full of—" he choked, "—life."

"Fuck," I muttered.

"I'm gonna lose her, Finan." He sunk his head into his hands and began to sob.

"I'm so sorry." It seemed completely inadequate, but I didn't know what else to say. It killed me not reaching out to him, but I was in a long line of traffic crawling along the street and there was nowhere to pull over. I ground my teeth and continued to drive until finally I parked outside the flats. Then I reached out to touch his arm, but he opened the car door and got out. I jumped out, too, and locked the cab. "Let's get inside."

He'd never been to my place. The only person who had was Uhtred. Mostly, I was focussed on Sihtric and his pain, but I was still aware of the mess and clutter in my flat. In contrast to Sihtric's tidy place, mine was a pigsty with junk lying on every available surface, including a heap of clothes I hadn't put away, strewn on the couch. I gathered them up quickly and tossed them onto an armchair instead.

"Here, sit down." I indicated the now cleared couch. "Sorry about the mess."

Sihtric just shook his head. I sat beside him and frowned at the over-flowing coffee table, which had three unwashed mugs on it, a plate with the crumbs from my breakfast, and various magazines, newspapers, receipts from things and other crap covering every inch.

We just sat there, not talking. He stopped crying and simply stared at the floor. I didn't know what to do with myself. This wasn't just bad news—this was devastating for him—and I felt useless. Sylvie was his only family member who cared anything about him. I knew how I'd feel if one of my sisters or brothers were going to die, but the difference was that I had a tonne of them. Sihtric had only one and she was more than just his sister—she was his twin. I silently prayed for them both, while I tried to think of something to say and came up with nothing.

"Did Skorpa hurt you?" I asked eventually.

"No. He didn't get the chance before you turned up."

"He's a maniac," I growled.

"Believe it or not, I do know how to look after myself if I have to. I was just too much of a mess right then. I was in the pub. I don't even know why I went there. I was supposed to do some errands before I went to work. I had a couple of beers. I was just numb. Uhtred came over to me, then Skade was there. I've talked to her a few times, so she knew Sylvie had cancer. I said I should leave, and she came outside with me. Skorpa's very jealous. He wouldn't have known who I was or what it was about."

"That's no excuse, he could have asked. She must be crazy, dating someone like that."

"Each to their own, I suppose." He took his phone out and tapped out a text. "I'm checking she's okay," he explained.

"You should be thinking about yourself. Do you want anything? A drink, or—"

"No." He put his phone down. "I just don't want to think. They said weeks. Not even months. She won't see another Christmas." Tears spilled down his cheeks again, and he lowered his face into his hands. I rested my hand on his back. For a moment he didn't seem to notice—then he turned towards me and slumped into my arms.

We didn't move for a long time. Sihtric's tears dried up, but he didn't move or speak. I wasn't sure if he was even awake, until he suddenly pulled away and got up. "Can I use your bathroom?"

"Yeah, it's across the hall." When he left the room, I rushed around trying to bring some semblance of order to the living room, but it was a losing battle. I had too much crap and nowhere to put it. God alone knew what state the bathroom was in. I knew it was clean, but that was about all I could say for it. There were probably wet towels on the floor, a heap of clothes in one corner waiting to be washed, and the windowsill was littered with stuff the same as everywhere else. "You're a pig, Finan," I muttered.

I heard water running and imagined Sihtric was washing his face. When he returned, he looked pale and sad, and as if he hadn't slept in a week.

"I'm sorry about all the mess," I repeated.

"It's doesn't matter, it's more normal than my place. I'm a neat freak. I should get out of your way."

"Stay," I said at once. "I don't think you should be on your own."

"But you should be working."

"So, should you. I need to get the cab back to the depot at some point, but other than that, I'm going nowhere." I hovered in the middle of the room as he sat down again. "I'll, um—" I didn't want to leave him alone even for a minute, but I'd get hauled over the coals if I kept the cab out all night. "You can stay here while I sort it out."

"Okay. I'll be fine. I'll just sit here." He took his shoes off and curled up in the corner of the couch.

"Right. I won't be long. Twenty minutes." I searched the junk on the coffee table for my keys, then realised they were in my pocket. Of course they were in my pocket—I just drove us here. I dragged myself out of the flat and got in the car.

I hated leaving him. A knot of anxiety formed in my stomach as I drove back to the depot. How must he be feeling right now? He had nobody else to turn to. His family were arseholes. They probably wouldn't even let him be at his sister's side when he wanted. So, he had Uhtred and me, and Uhtred was worse than useless when people were upset.

When I reached the depot, I was relieved to find the boss wasn't in and his assistant told me he wouldn't be back until Monday. "I'm taking the rest of the day off, and tomorrow," I said. "Sihtric Johnson won't be in either. Sick family member."

"Right. Sure. I'll mark you down as compassionate leave."

"Thanks." I collected my own car from the yard and drove home. When I let myself in, I found Sihtric lying on the couch with his head on a cushion, asleep. Not wanting to disturb him, I cleared all the stuff out of the armchair and put it in my bedroom, then sat down and messed around with my phone as I waited for him to wake up.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finan comforts Sihtric and vows to be there for him through the last weeks of his sister's life

Chapter 10

I passed the time reading news on my phone, checking Facebook and so on. I didn't post much on social media, and I quickly found the picture I'd taken of Sihtric and me in the pub weeks ago. He seemed so happy then, as did I. I looked at him now, sleeping on my couch, his face pale and his eyes ringed with purple shadows. He appeared exhausted and devastated. I wanted to wrap him up in my arms and take care of him, and the hell with what anybody thought. I had feelings for him that were more than friendship. But when I considered it properly, I knew I wouldn't be able to face it, if he even saw me that way. I didn't really know what I wanted. If I even tried being with him, I'd be condemning myself to endless guilt and persecution. My mother would cry, the rest of them would probably shun me, except maybe Cara, although her husband would have plenty to say. Father Pyrlig would hammer home my shame and make me feel like a teenager again. He'd be sure to find out if anybody else did, and there would be no forgiveness if I didn't ask for it and promise not to continue down that path.

I didn't actually know how my family would react if they thought I'd entertain being with a man, but I imagined it. At the end of the day, it was wrong. Knowing me, I'd fuck it all up anyway and the end result would be that I'd make Sihtric miserable, and everybody else would turn their backs on me.

"You're an idiot," I muttered aloud. Why was I even thinking like this? Sihtric needed a friend and a shoulder to cry on. The last think he wanted was me dithering and trampling all over his feelings when they were already shattered. So, I would be his friend. That's all I could be, for so many reasons.

His phone beeped on the arm of the couch where he'd placed it. He didn't stir, and I picked it up to check in case the message was urgent, about his sister. It was from an unknown number and the short message was visible without the phone needing to be unlocked:

'This is Skorpa. I apologise for my behaviour. I misread the situation. All the best.'

My eyebrows rose. Skade was probably responsible for that. I still thought the guy was a dickhead, but at least he apparently listened to her.

Sihtric slept on, and I crept around so as not to disturb him and made myself some sandwiches. Uhtred called me, but I silenced the phone quickly and sent him a text to tell him I'd talk to him the next day.

It was early evening by the time Sihtric opened his eyes. Then he jerked upright and grabbed his phone. "Shit, I didn't mean to sleep so long."

"No one called," I said. "You just got a text from Skorpa."

He read it and nodded. "Did you take your cab back?"

"Yeah, his Lordship wasn't there, only Simon. I told him we'd both be off for the rest of the weekend."

"Thanks. I should get out of your way."

"You're not in my way."

Sihtric smiled faintly. "I'm sure you have your own stuff to do."

"Look, I'm here for you as much or as little as you want. I don't have anything else going on. Although I suppose I could do with spending some time cleaning up this shithole." I grimaced.

"Can I stay, then?"

"Sure. As long as you want. Do you want a beer, or some coffee? A snack maybe?"

"I'm not hungry. Just some coffee. Thanks."

I went to make some for us both, and quickly tidied the kitchen counters and wiped them down with antiseptic wipes while I waited for the kettle to boil. My flat really was a shithole—I didn't exaggerate when I called it that. I was ashamed to let Sihtric see it as it was, but there wasn't much I could do about that now. If I'd known in advance he would be here, I'd have cleaned up. It didn't seem to bother him, and he had more important things to think about, but I didn't want him to think I lived like an animal.

We didn't talk much. Sihtric was morose and lost in thought, and I got that, but I was never comfortable with long silences. I kept getting up to do things and fidgeting. I wanted to do something to make him feel better, but there was nothing I could do. Eventually, he looked at me and smiled.

"If you're not comfortable with me here, I can go."

"I don't want you to go." I shot up from the armchair and sat next to him instead. "It's not that I'm not comfortable about you being here. I just feel useless. I know there's nothing I can do that will make you feel any better."

"No, there isn't, but your company helps. I don't want to do anything, or even talk, but I don't want to be alone either."

"Shall I put the TV on?" I suggested.

"Yeah."

I grabbed the remote and channel hopped until I found an action movie. "This do?"

"Okay."

My stomach rumbled and I laughed. "I think I'll just grab something to eat." I stuck a couple of frozen lasagnes in the microwave and when they were done, I gave Sihtric one of the plates and a fork. "I know you said you're not hungry, but you should have something. Even a few bites."

"Thanks." Much to my surprise, he ate it all, although it seemed as if he could have been eating a plate of wood-shavings and he wouldn't have noticed the difference. I put the empty plates on top of the pile of crap on the coffee table and tried to watch the movie. It didn't have much of a plot and was full of fighting and shooting, but it was a distraction. Even so, I was certain Sihtric's attention was more on me than the screen. I glanced at him a few times, and he was watching me through half-closed eyes. My heart pounded, and I began to feel nervous. I shot him a quick smile, then looked away and scratched at my beard.

I couldn't have said what was going on in the movie. I stared fixedly at the screen, but all of my focus was on Sihtric. He pulled a cushion out from behind him and plumped it up, then punched it a couple of times. A moment later, it landed in my lap. He shuffled closer to me, curled his legs up on the couch, and put his head on the cushion—in my lap. I stopped breathing.

"Is this okay?" he murmured.

"Uh, yeah." It didn't mean anything, I told myself. He wanted my comfort, that's all. I started breathing again, somewhat unsteadily. I put my hand on his shoulder and found the muscles tense and knotted. Tentatively, I began massaging his shoulder, then his neck. He relaxed immediately with a sigh. My heart banged away, trying to burst through my ribcage as I carried on stroking his neck, then eventually, the shaved side of his head. His eyes were closed. The movie ended and I barely noticed. A quiz show started, and I closed my eyes, too.

When I woke, my head was tilted back awkwardly, and my neck hurt. Sihtric was asleep, snoring softly with his head in my lap. My arm was draped around him, my hand on his chest, with his hand resting over it. I didn't move except to stretch my neck and roll my head around to loosen the knot. The curtains were open and the faint grey light outside indicated it was approaching dawn. After a while, the need to piss forced me to move. I tried to shuffle out from under Sihtric's head and the cushion, but he woke and sat up.

"Sorry. Didn't mean to fall asleep again." He yawned and rubbed his eyes.

"It's okay. You probably needed to catch up." I slipped away to the bathroom. When I returned, he was in the kitchen making coffee. "How are you feeling?" I asked, knowing it was a stupid question.

He shrugged. "I didn't intend to sprawl all over you."

"Yeah, you did." I grinned, hoping to make him smile, but it didn't work. He looked as miserable as I'd ever seen him, without actually being in tears. "Sorry."

He shook his head. "Thanks, for yesterday. I don't know what I would have done if you weren't there."

"I was there. I am here. Any time you want."

He stayed with me all day. We didn't do much of anything. He took a shower and borrowed a pair of jogging pants and a tee shirt to wear. We watched the news and another movie, then went to a pub for a couple of hours and sat in a corner drinking beer, nibbling bar snacks, and not talking. My discomfort with the lack of talking vanished. I got used to it—just being the silent company he seemed to want. Uhtred called again, and I remembered I'd promised to call him back, so I answered this time. Sihtric was at the bar getting another round.

"Is Sihtric okay? Have you heard from him?" Uhtred asked.

"He's with me. I suppose he's about as good as you would expect."

"Shit. I can't even imagine how I'd feel if I lost Thyra." He mentioned his adoptive sister.

"Yeah, I know. I feel fucking useless," I admitted.

"I'm sure you're doing better than I did yesterday. I'm hopeless when people get upset."

"I'd better go. We're in the pub. I'll see you at the gym in a day or two." I ended the call as Sihtric returned to the table with two more pints. "That was Uhtred," I said. "He wanted to check how you are."

He nodded. "I don't know if I'll ever feel normal again, whatever that was."

When we finished our drinks, we grabbed some groceries on the way back to my place. Sihtric retreated to the living room to call his sister and I hid in the kitchen to give him some privacy. Later, I made us some chilli and potato wedges.

"You don't live on takeaway and pizza then," Sihtric said in surprise.

"I'm trying to do better since I joined the gym. I can cook well enough. My mother made sure we all could before we left home. I often can't be bothered just for me."

"Maybe I should come here more often, in that case." He grinned, looking more like his usual self, although his mis-matched eyes—his pretty eyes—were pain-filled.

I drove him home around ten o'clock that evening. When I got back to my place, I went straight to bed. Sleeping upright on the couch hadn't done me a lot of good and I was exhausted. But then I lay awake thinking about Sihtric and hoping he would be okay. He had a tough road ahead of him, and all I could do was walk at his side.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finan and Uhtred rush to support Sihtric, when his sister dies in a hospice

Chapter 11

Sihtric spent more time with me than ever over the next few weeks. He saw his sister every couple of days. The rest of his family made things difficult for him, but Sylvie, as sick as she was by then after having been moved to a hospice, apparently told their father and Sven to "leave Sihtric the fuck alone and let him see me." Sihtric reported this to me one day with a smile. It was the only time I'd seen him smile since the first night he stayed at my place. Even my stupid jokes had no effect. He had lost weight, he didn't sleep well, and if I didn't know him and were a stranger viewing him, I might have said he were dying himself. He continued working, and he'd go to the gym with me sometimes, but he dragged himself through each day like a zombie and there was nothing I could do to make a difference.

I finally managed to find time to visit my parents again for a lunch on Saturday and found Aisling and her husband had been invited. For a moment I was irritated that they seemed to be ganging up on me again, but then I just shrugged. I was exhausted and worried about Sihtric, and nothing they could say would have an effect on me.

"Mum and Dad have hardly seen you lately," Aisling began. Our parents were in the kitchen—Mum finishing cooking, and Dad finding some wine.

"I've been busy."

"Too busy for your own family?"

"Don't start this again, Aisling," I grumbled. "I can do without it."

She frowned. "Well, that's nice."

Dad came in with two bottles of red. "Will these do?"

"Lovely, Dad," Aisling said.

"Not for me, thanks." In over ten years of me having lunches with the family, my Dad still never got it that I hated red wine.

"Come on, Finan, a tot won't hurt you."

"It will when I'm working later. A tot could get me fired. They do spot checks all the time." This was true, and the one time I had got caught, I'd been sent home with a verbal warning and lost a day's pay. The warning had been that if I went to work with alcohol in my system again and got caught, I'd be fired on the spot. They checked me daily for a month after that.

Dad sighed and went back to the kitchen to get me a glass of lemonade instead.

"What's so important in your life that you can't find time for us?" Aisling started again. "Mum's been wanting to arrange a meal with some new neighbours that moved in. They have a lovely daughter—"

"Don't even go there!" I snapped. "What's so important in my life? How about one of my best friend's sisters dying of cancer? Is that important enough for you? I don't have the time to think about anything else right now, when I have to be there if I'm needed."

Aisling's eyes went wide, then she shook her head. "I'm sorry, Finan. Why didn't you say?"

"I just did."

"I meant before. Which friend is this? Uhtred?"

"No, Sihtric."

"How old is she? His sister."

"Twenty-three. They're twins."

Aisling sighed. "That's no age. How terrible. Do they have other family?"

"Yes, she's married, and there's a father and a half-brother, all of whom hate Sihtric. So, he actually has no support other than me and Uhtred."

"I'm sorry. You should have said something before. Mum wouldn't have kept on at you."

Mum came in then. "Kept on at you? What are you talking about, girl?" she asked Aisling.

"Finan was just telling me we haven't seen much of him because one of his friends has cancer."

"She's in a hospice," I added.

"Oh, love, why didn't you say before?" Mum sat down next to me. "Who is this girl?"

"The sister of my friend, Sihtric. They don't think it'll be long. As I was saying to Aisling, Uhtred and me are all he's got. Other than his sister, the rest of his family don't get along with him."

"Well, I would say I'd pray for them, but aren't they Pagan?" Mum said tentatively.

"Sylvie's not. She's a Christian," I remembered. "Her husband is, and she converted."

"Then I'll pray that she finds peace. I'm sorry, Finan, I am." She got up again and went to plate up the food. Much to my surprise, none of them said anything about the new neighbours, or asked me when I would visit again, nor did they ask when I last saw Father Pyrlig. When I left, Mum just asked me to call and let me know how things were going.

I went to work, then, and on Sunday morning I met Sihtric at the gym. After our workout, he showered and left to see Sylvie. Uhtred was just finishing his shift and as I had the day off, I went to the pub with him. He followed me to my place first so I could leave my car, then he drove.

"Did you see the news yesterday?" he asked as we sat down.

"What news?"

"Obviously not. Skorpa was stabbed in the Cauldron last night."

"What?" I exclaimed, startled.

"By that Haesten guy. The one that was stalking Skade and then got put in hospital by Skorpa's sidekicks."

"Shit, is he alive?"

"Yeah, he's in hospital. We were all there yesterday. He's going to be okay. They operated on him. I think the knife nicked his liver, but they fixed him up."

"How do you know it's Haesten? Did someone see it happen?"

"Aethelflaed got it on video. She was trying to take a photo of Skade and Skorpa being all loved up to embarrass them, but she hit record instead, just as Haesten crept up in the crowd with a knife in his hand. He had a hood on, but when he turned away, she got his face."

"Wow, I missed all the drama. What else is new?"

"Well, you know Gisela moved in with me. Brida's moving in with Ragnar."

"That was fast."

"Yeah, they're mad for each other. Gisela thinks Aethelflaed's going to get together with Erik, Skorpa's other guy. They've been dancing around each other for weeks, but it's obvious they like each other. At least that's what Gisela says. I wouldn't know." He laughed.

"So, has Haesten been arrested yet?"

"I'm not sure. The police were looking for him, the last time I saw the news, but his picture is all over the press, so I doubt he'll be on the loose for long if they haven't got him already. Anything going on with you?"

"Like what? I go to work, go to the gym, and hang out with Sihtric most days. That's it."

Uhtred shrugged. "Sorry, I guess you don't have much time for yourself."

"No. Even my parents agreed to back off with the parading of young ladies in front of me." I grinned. It was good to spend time with Uhtred. I didn't get to see much of him except at the gym, and with everything else that was going on, he was a welcome distraction. "Speaking of which, where's Gisela? Have you been let off the leash today?"

"Fuck off." He laughed. "She's visiting her brother and his wife."

"Aren't you welcome? I thought you got along with her family."

"I do, but it's about baby stuff."

"Shit, Uhtred, has Gisela got a bun in the oven?" I gasped.

"No, you dick! Her sister-in-law has."

"Aw, I bet it won't be long before you have a bunch of little Uhtreds running around you," I teased.

Uhtred just smirked.

A couple of hours passed, then my phone beeped with a text and I snatched it up immediately. It was from Sihtric. 'She's gone.'

"Oh, fuck," I groaned.

"What is it?" Uhtred asked.

"Sylvie died." I tapped out a reply. 'Where are you? Do you want me?'

"Can I do anything?" Uhtred added.

Another text arrived. 'At the hospice, and yes.'

"Yeah, you can drive me to the hospice," I told Uhtred.

"Let's go." He abandoned the half of his pint that was still left and charged out of the door.

'On my way,' I replied to Sihtric as we set off.

Uhtred drove into the hospice carpark ten minutes later. We saw Sihtric standing alone outside the door, and three other guys a little distance away. As we got out of the car, I noticed the eldest of the three had the same shaped jaw and nose as Sihtric, and I guessed the man must be Kjartan, his father. The tall blond one looked similar and was most likely Sven, which meant the other, who was blowing his nose, must be Sylvie's husband. I strode past them towards Sihtric, Uhtred following me.

"Finan." Sihtric's face was completely colourless, his eyes huge, but he wasn't crying. He just looked like he might collapse at any moment. I wrapped my arms around him.

"What the hell?" one of the other men said. "Who are you? Another fucking queer?"

I scowled over Sihtric's shoulder at the blond who had spoken—the half-brother, Sven. Several retorts came to mind, and I would have happily punched him, but I bit my tongue. Getting into a fight with Sihtric's family wouldn't help Sihtric. Instead, Uhtred stepped up.

"Who the hell do you think you are, speaking to them like that? What is this, the dark ages? I'm sorry for your loss and I appreciate this is a terrible time for you all, but show some respect to your brother," Uhtred said through his teeth.

Sven raised his eyebrows and Kjartan scowled as he took a step towards Uhtred. "Who do you think you are? Another one?"

"Another friend, you mean?" Uhtred said, standing his ground. "We're here to support Sihtric. Go on, take another step. I'm sure you'd love for me to call the police on you, on such a day as this."

Kjartan snarled something under his breath and turned away. Uhtred came over to us and I met his eyes. "I'm impressed, man. You almost sounded like a tough guy."

"Yeah. Let's get out of here." He headed back to the car and unlocked it. I got in the back with Sihtric. "Where are we going?" Uhtred asked.

"My place," I told him.

"Okay." He drove, and we sat in silence. Sihtric didn't seem to be aware of what was going on as we travelled back to my flat and got out of the car again.

"Thanks, Uhtred," I said.

"No problem. Call me if you need anything, okay?"

"Sure. Thanks," I repeated.

"I should go home," Sihtric said suddenly. "I can't keep putting you out like this."

"Don't be daft. Putting me out?" I steered him into the building. "You really think I'd leave you alone now? I'm not letting you out of my sight."

He nodded and didn't speak again. He didn't speak for some time.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sihtric admits he has feelings for Finan

Chapter 12

Sylvie's funeral was ten days later. I didn't see so much of Sihtric during the interim, but he knew I was at the end of the phone if he wanted me. I arranged a couple of days off work, for the day of the funeral and the one after. I wouldn't be going to it, of course, but I planned to be around in case I was needed. Sihtric had no one in his family that was on his side, and he'd be isolated on the worst day of his life.

It was a miserable wet Wednesday, with heavy black clouds hanging over Winchester all day. The funeral was in the afternoon, and when it was time, I drove to the church where it was taking place and parked down the street. Sihtric had said there was to be a wake afterwards at Sylvie's house, but his father and stepbrother were so vile, I wanted to be nearby. I didn't tell Sihtric I was there—I just sat in my car waiting. The hearse arrived, followed by a limousine. Kjartan, Sven, Sylvie's husband, and Sihtric all got out of it, along with another older couple who I thought were probably the husband's parents. They all headed into the church.

An hour later, they came out of the gate that led to the graveyard, and I guessed it was over. Kjartan and Sven got back into the limousine. The older couple and the husband climbed in after them. Sihtric stood by the gate watching, as the car drove off without him. He was dressed from head to foot in black—suit, shirt, tie, shoes, all black—and he stood there in the rain, alone.

I started the car and drove along until I was parallel with the gate, then opened the window. "Sihtric, get in the car."

"Finan! What are you doing here?"

"What do you think? Get in."

He walked around to the other side of the car and got in. He was soaking wet and shivering. I cranked the heating up.

"You're not going back to the house with them?" I asked, as I pulled the car out into the road again.

"No. I can't stand another minute in their company. My father's an arsehole."

"Believe me, that day he spoke to us like that, I would have given anything to punch his lights out."

"I'm surprised you didn't."

"It wasn't appropriate. Are you all right? I know that's a stupid question."

"I'm okay," he said. "She was in a lot of pain. It was horrible to see. It's all over now. I just hurt for myself because she's gone."

"I know." I drove to my place without asking where he wanted to go. Over the past weeks he'd always preferred to be at my flat than his own, as if it was some form of escape. After that first day, I'd spent a few hours tidying and cleaning, and managed to keep it that way ever since.

When we got inside, I directed him to my bedroom. "Help yourself to some dry clothes. There's plenty of clean stuff in there."

He went in and shut the door. I waited in the living room, sitting at one end of the couch. He emerged eventually, wearing the jogging pants he'd borrowed before, and a black sweatshirt with the band Satan's Sword's logo on it. I hadn't managed to see them when they toured, but I'd got their CD and some merchandise online. He hung his wet clothes on my clothes airer near the radiator.

"Here." I grabbed a cushion and put it on my lap. Sihtric curled up on the couch next to me and put his head on the cushion, the same way he had before. Even though I'd got used to spending so much time with him, and being closer to him than before, my heart still pounded now, the same as it had that other time. I'd done my best not to think about him in any way other than as a friend, but it hadn't stopped me fantasising. I'd just stopped being embarrassed about it.

I sat still and silent, while he rested, his head in my lap, for over an hour. I couldn't imagine how he was feeling, but I figured if he wanted me to talk, he'd say something. I checked my phone and found a text from Uhtred, asking how Sihtric was. 'Numb, I think,' I replied, then put the phone down.

More time passed. Then, suddenly, he turned over onto his back and looked up at me. "I owe you so much."

"No, you don't. I'm your friend. I—"

"I don't know what I'd have done without you. You put your life on hold for me, for weeks."

"It was nothing, but I was glad to do it."

He pulled himself up and half-turned so he was facing me. Our eyes met, and I almost felt like he was looking right into me. I swallowed and stopped breathing. I often found it difficult to breathe in his company these days. His long lashes lowered, and he touched my face. My heart hammered, frantically trying to tear its way out of my chest. Then his lips touched mine. I didn't expect it. Despite all the times I'd caught him looking at me, I didn't really think he saw me like that. And on this day in particular, I wouldn't have expected him to be thinking about kissing. Maybe it was just gratitude. But his lips caressed mine, warm and firm. I kissed him back, and his lips parted to fit better with mine. There were no tongues—it wasn't that kind of kiss—but it went on, seeming endless. I slid my arms around him and held him against me, trying to ignore the fact that I was getting hard. Whatever it was to him, it made things fall into place for me. My family, and friends, and Father Pyrlig, and my own confusion and guilt flew out of my head. There was only Sihtric, and I wanted him; cared for him. I poured all of myself into the kiss. Then he pulled away and jumped to his feet.

"Fuck, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that. I don't know what I was thinking."

I tossed the cushion aside and got up too. "It's okay. I'm not—"

"I know you're not into it. I'm sorry. You've been amazing. I needed someone so much, and you've been here, every day, without question. I just… I don't know. My head's a mess. I took advantage. I'm sorry." He babbled on as he took his clothes from the airer, hurried into the hall, and shoved his feet into his wet shoes.

"Sihtric, wait, will you?" I grabbed at his arm, but he moved out of the way and opened the door.

"I have to go. I need some space right now. I'm sorry." He fled.

"Fuck," I muttered as the outer door to the building slammed behind him. I closed my own door and went back to slump on the couch. "Fuck!" I ran a hand through my hair and rubbed my hands over my face, groaning. Did he regret it because it wasn't meant to be anything, or had he wanted it and assumed I didn't? It was the day of his sister's funeral. He probably wasn't thinking straight about anything—he'd said as much. I wished I had someone to talk to about this. Just one person, but there was no one. Certainly not my family. I trusted Uhtred and he didn't care whether a person was straight or gay or bisexual or whatever, but I wasn't about to tell him I had feelings for Sihtric and was questioning everything about my life. He'd be clueless as to what to say and we'd both end up mortified.

I fretted for the rest of the day and most of the night. I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned, thinking about Sihtric and replaying the kiss over and over in my mind. I could still feel it. If I closed my eyes, I could imagine he was right here, his hand cupping my face, my arms around him, and our lips locked. Each time I let myself think about every little detail, I got hard again, but I was too tense and anxious to even enjoy getting myself off.

I finally gave up trying to sleep at five in the morning and made myself some coffee. I checked my phone, hoping I might have a message from Sihtric, but I knew I hadn't. I'd checked it countless times through the evening and the night, and it remained silent except for a few notifications of emails and Facebook posts from other people.

Thursday crawled by. I considered going to the gym, but if Sihtric was there, I'd probably turn bright red and not know what to say to him with other people around, so I stayed home, paced and fidgeted. I picked up my phone a dozen times to call him and got as far as finding him in my list of contacts, but I couldn't bring myself to actually call. I grabbed a beer from the kitchen, gulped it in about five minutes, and fetched another. I didn't know what to do with myself. Eventually, in the middle of the afternoon, I called him. I just found his number and tapped 'call' before I could talk myself out of it again. It rang and rang.

"Hi, this is Sihtric. Please leave a message and I'll get back to you."

I hung up. "Fuck it!" I growled and tossed the phone onto the couch. Of course he didn't want to talk to me. He probably thought I was horrified by what had happened. Or more likely, he wasn't thinking about it at all. He was grieving. I was an idiot.

I drank another beer and tried to tell myself this was all for the best. Let the dust settle for a few days, and everything would be all right. Forget it ever happened. Nothing could happen, even if he did want me. I reminded myself I had eight siblings, eight in-laws, two parents, and a priest who would probably all condemn me. None of them would understand, and my failings and my sins would be pointed out to me ad infinitum. Even if they didn't, it would be wrong. It had taken me months to put what happened when I was eighteen behind me. It was all right Brida telling me she sinned all the time and didn't care—even now she was shacking up with a Pagan thug and joking about going to hell for it—but I cared. I couldn't think of a way I would ever be able to reconcile one thing with the other, if I were to do anything more than I already had.

Despite all this, I called Sihtric again in the evening, and when he didn't answer, I sent him a text: 'Please call me. I need to talk to you.'

I didn't think I would sleep that night, but exhaustion wiped me out eventually, and I crashed on the couch. When I woke, it was daylight, and my phone was ringing. I snatched it up and answered without checking who it was.

"Hello?"

"Hey," Sihtric said.

"Hi!" I sat up quickly. "How are you doing?"

"I'm okay. I'm sorry I didn't answer yesterday. I didn't know what to say to you."

"It doesn't matter." I didn't know what to say either, at that moment. My heart pounded, and my stomach was knotted with anxiety. I wanted to tell him—I didn't know what I wanted to tell him. If I said I wanted him, that I'd liked kissing him, I wouldn't be able to take those words back. It would be too late, and if he did have feelings for me, I'd hurt him. So, I hesitated, and the seconds ticked by.

"Finan, I'm sorry about yesterday," he said. "I shouldn't have kissed you like that."

"I wasn't—" I was about to add 'complaining,' but he interrupted me.

"Let me get this out. I have feelings for you. I didn't intend for that to happen, and I shouldn't have acted on it. I suppose I just kept hoping. Yesterday, I don't know what happened. I wasn't thinking about anything except that I was alone and lost without Sylvie, and you were there, and I wanted just one moment where I could imagine—"

"Sihtric—"

"I know you're not into me like that. I always manage to fall for straight guys. I won't ever mention it again. I'm just gonna stay away from you for a while, because you're my best friend and I can't lose that." His voice cracked, but he rattled on regardless, not letting me get a word in. "I took a month off work, compassionate leave. I'm going away for a little while, so just forget about yesterday. When I come back, it won't matter anymore. It'll be forgotten."

"Sihtric, let me say—" I started in a panic.

"Bye, Finan." He hung up.

I stared at the phone in disbelief. Then I quickly found his number and called him back.

"Your call cannot be connected. Please try again."

He'd switched his phone off. "Fuck!" I bellowed and tossed my own phone across the room. It smashed into the wall and shattered. I sat down quickly and sunk my head into my hands. Now what? What would I do without him?


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finan is alone and heartbroken, and in need of help

Chapter 13

I gathered up the pieces of my phone and tried to put it back together, but it was a lost cause. Out of everything I could have thrown across the room, it had to be the one thing I really needed. I was already panicking that someone might try to call me—Sihtric specifically—and I waited impatiently for the shops to open, then rushed out and bought a replacement which I quickly put my existing sim card into. Then I spent the rest of the day pacing my flat, drinking beer, and arguing with myself over what to do.

Sihtric had feelings for me! The thought made my heart pound and I wished I'd said something. I wished I'd done more to make him listen. He hadn't let me speak, but I could have shouted down the phone at him. I lost my nerve. I hadn't been sure. I'd been too scared that maybe it was just the heat of the moment, and I'd regret it and hurt him. Now I was hurt and lost. I would have given anything to get another minute to tell him how I felt, but he was gone. His phone was off, and I had no idea where he was.

And then the other feelings crept back in, drowning out what I thought I wanted and reminding me how wrong it would be, and how I'd be so guilt-ridden over my family and God and how badly I was sinning if I were to be with him, that I'd ruin it anyway. I wanted someone to tell me what to do, and even though it was late evening by then, I knew he'd be there. I went to see Father Pyrlig.

"Finan!" He was sitting in the front pew of his church with a notebook, writing something, when I walked up to him. He put the book aside. "I was making notes for my next sermon." He frowned, then. "You look rough, lad. What can I do for you? Do you want to make a confession?"

"Not really." I sat on the pew a few feet away from him. "I wanted someone to talk to."

"Well, I'm always here for that. I'm surprised to see you."

"I'm sorry, Father. I should come more often. I know that." I crossed my arms and stared at the floor. The priest sat in silence with his hands folded together, waiting for me to go on. "You see hundreds of people. I'm sure you won't remember something from about ten years ago."

"Finan, I have a very good memory. Why don't you remind me?"

"I did something with a school friend." My face heated as I remembered my shame at having to tell him that. "A boy."

"Ah, yes, I remember. You promised it wouldn't be repeated."

"It hasn't been," I said quickly. I knew what he'd say, and it wouldn't help. I'd still be miserable and confused and torn up inside.

"But you're tempted?" he prompted.

"I've thought about it. He's a friend. He's needed me just lately. He admitted he feels something for me." It almost seemed as if someone else were speaking for me, or as if I were outside my body, watching myself. My tongue flapped away and wouldn't stop. "I feel the same, but I didn't say so. I was too worried I would change my mind when I thought it through."

"The fact that you have come to see me, tells me you are doing your best to stay on the right path. It would be better for you to stay away from this friend for the time being."

"I don't have any choice in that. He left town. He thinks his feelings are unrequited, so he's avoiding me."

"That's a good thing. You must concentrate on your family. Your mother tells me she is hoping you will meet their new neighbours soon. Perhaps that would provide the distraction you need."

"Maybe," I said doubtfully.

Father Pyrlig talked on, about family, and the hopes that I would put this behind me and settle down, as my parents wanted me to. I listened, but I still couldn't get Sihtric out of my mind and I began to wish I hadn't come. Eventually, the priest suggested I take the weekend to think things through and go back to see him for confession on Monday. I went home, feeling no better than when I arrived, and no clearer in what I should do.

I checked my messages, hoping fervently I would find a text or a voicemail from Sihtric while my phone had been on silent in my pocket, but I knew it was a vain hope. I wouldn't hear from him while he was away. He wanted to forget about me.

In the morning, I called work and told them I was sick. I'd had several missed called from them the previous evening, asking where I was. I told them I'd stood in the rain at a funeral and caught my death. I camped on my couch, staring blankly at the TV and not noticing much of what went on. I caught a bit of the news. Haesten Storrison was in prison for attempted manslaughter. Serve the bastard right.

Sihtric still had my jogging pants and sweatshirt, I remembered. He'd left my flat wearing them. I thought of him lying on the couch with his head in my lap, turning over and looking up at me, then kissing me. It was still so vivid in my mind it could have happened in the last few minutes. Now he was gone, and I didn't know where. I tormented myself by looking at the photo of us in the pub again. I longed to hear his voice, but I didn't try to call. If his phone was on, I'd know, and if he didn't answer it would be obvious he didn't want to talk to me. I didn't want to deal with the rejection. But if he answered, what would I say? Would I tell him I wanted him, after I'd seen Father Pyrlig and vowed to keep my distance?

My chest hurt. A crushing weight seemed to be resting on it, squashing the breath out of me and squeezing my heart painfully. My phone rang—my mother. I ignored it and a minute later it beeped to tell me I had a voicemail. An hour later, Cara called. I ignored her, too. I emptied the fridge of beer and didn't eat. I'd never felt so alone in my life. Now I knew how Sihtric felt—no family, no friend either at this moment, because he cared for me and had run away from it. I had plenty of family, but they weren't there for me right now—couldn't be.

I dragged myself out the door to go to the grocery store. I was out of beer, and I grabbed a few snacks. At the last minute before I got to the checkout, I went back to the booze aisle and picked up a bottle of Jameson whiskey. I didn't often drink whiskey, but the occasion called for it. Beer got me drunk, but only after numerous pints. I wanted something that would knock me out fast so I wouldn't think, just for one night. Then I'd get myself together.

My phone rang on and off all that day. I lost track of who called, but I knew my mother had tried again, and Uhtred called me twice. I ignored them all. None of the calls were from Sihtric and I didn't expect them to be. I didn't even know what day it was. The whiskey bottle was half empty, but there was another completely empty one beside it, so I assumed I'd bought another. I seemed to remember it being night and then day, but now it was dark again.

I'd never got myself into this state before. When I was eighteen, I'd felt like I was drowning in shame after I told father Pyrlig about that boy. But I hadn't cared about the boy himself—it had just been a bit of physical fun with a friend. I hadn't felt like my heart was breaking when I couldn't see him.

I tried to get my head straight, but my mind was fuzzy with drink and nothing seemed to make sense. I wanted Sihtric and I could almost imagine being with him when he got back. Uhtred would be on our side, as embarrassing as it would be to tell him. Brida would be, too. She wouldn't shun us like Sihtric's family did. She'd probably praise me for having what I wanted and bugger the consequences. My family—most, if not all of them—would hate it. They'd likely turn their backs on me. Mum would cry and when she cried over something I had done, I felt like the biggest piece of shit alive. It couldn't happen. I couldn't do that.

I cried. For the first time in a lot of years, I bawled my eyes out, and tried telling myself it was only because I was drunk and stupid, but really, I wasn't all that far gone. I sobbed so hard I made myself sick. Then I drank some more in the hopes that I would shut it all out. Even the whiskey didn't seem to work that night, or day, whatever it was. I couldn't walk in a straight line and my head spun. I couldn't make sense of my thoughts, but I was aware enough that if I could just go to sleep it would all stop.

Uhtred called again and I answered. God knew why. I didn't want him to know what a mess I was and why, but part of me needed somebody and he was the only person who wouldn't condemn me for anything. I had no idea what I said to him. I probably embarrassed myself completely, but when my phone died because I hadn't charged the battery, my face was wet with tears, so he probably heard me crying. I poured another glass of whiskey, puzzled when some of it dribbled off the edge of the table. Then I staggered into the bathroom and took a piss sitting down so I wouldn't fall over. The bath was full of steaming water and I sat on the throne staring at it, imagining how good it would feel to just soak in there and close my eyes.

I might have fallen asleep sitting on the toilet. Loud knocking on my door startled me and I lurched to my feet, quickly pulled my pants up, then stumbled to my knees. Who the hell was banging on my door? Perhaps best to ignore it. I crouched on the bathroom floor, silent, waiting for them to go away.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A worried Uhtred arrives to help Finan

Chapter 14

A tremendous crash and the sound of splintering wood was followed by my door banging against the hall wall. I tried to get up, but the room spun around me and everything I'd drunk in the last several hours started to come back up. I groped for the toilet as I heaved and spluttered. Then a pair of strong hands gripped me under the armpits and turned me in the right direction.

"Fuck's sake, Finan, how much did you drink?" It was Uhtred's voice. I couldn't reply. I couldn't breathe and I felt like I was dying as I carried on vomiting. Uhtred was still gripping my shoulder, holding me over the toilet. "Oh fuck, what have you done? What happened?" he groaned then. "Oh Finan."

"What?" I gasped. I slumped sideways and the tiled floor rushed up to meet me.

When I opened my eyes, I looked up at the ceiling and realised I was no longer in the bathroom. I was on my couch.

"Finan?" Uhtred knelt on the floor beside me, his brow knitted with worry.

"What are you doing here?"

"You don't remember?"

I shook my head and immediately regretted it. I retched, and Uhtred rolled me over and stuck a bucket under my face, but there was nothing left to come up. I slumped back on the couch and rested my hand on my chest, which I discovered was bare. "Where's my shirt?"

"I took it off. You threw up all over it."

I groaned. "What are you doing here anyway?"

"You just asked me that. I was worried about you."

"Go away," I muttered.

"I'm going nowhere. I'm going to sit here until you're sober enough to talk."

"Don't wanna talk."

"Too bad."

I closed my eyes. I remembered talking to him on the phone, but I didn't know who called who. I stopped trying to work it out as I lost consciousness. When I opened my eyes again, it was daylight and Uhtred was sleeping in an uncomfortable heap beside the couch with his head on my leg. I pushed him off, dragged myself to my feet, and went to take a piss. I found a tee shirt to put on, too. When I returned to the living room, Uhtred sat on the couch and two steaming mugs of coffee were on the table. I sat down with a groan and picked one of them up.

"Why are you here?" I asked.

"Because I called you about a dozen times and you didn't answer. Your mother even called me because everyone's worried about you. No one's heard from you in days. Then I called again, and you answered the phone crying. That was last night."

"Fuck," I muttered. "What day is it?"

"Wednesday."

"It can't be." I rubbed my face.

"Finan, the last time anybody heard from you was Saturday when you called in sick at work. No one's heard from you or seen you since. What the hell happened? I've been trying to call Sihtric, too, but his phone's off."

I groaned. "Did I let you in?"

"I, um, I kicked the door in. Don't worry about that, I'll get it fixed. There's more."

"More?" I sipped the coffee and grimaced. Uhtred had put too much sugar in, and it made me queasy.

"Finan, what do you remember about last night?"

"Not much."

"You remember running a bath?"

"Huh?" I frowned, trying to recall what I'd done. I'd been sitting on the toilet and the bath was full of steaming water. I'd been thinking about how nice it would be to sink into it and forget everything.

"Finan." Uhtred rested his hand on my arm. "There was a razor blade on the side of the bath. Why would you think of doing that to yourself?"

"I didn't!" I pulled away from him. "You really think I'd do that? It's a sin. One of the worst."

"Everything's a sin in your religion. Look, that blade didn't get there by itself. You don't even use those sorts of razors; you use that clipper thing. Can't you tell me what's going on?"

I didn't know how to answer. I couldn't remember considering doing what he thought, but I remembered how bad I felt and how I wanted it all to go away. I'd been so drunk I could have done anything, and I wouldn't have been aware of it. Would I have actually done that if Uhtred hadn't turned up? I could be dead. The thought horrified me.

I still felt as bad as I had when I hit the whiskey. I hadn't known how I could move forward and still didn't, but putting an end to myself wasn't the way to deal with it. I scowled and brushed angrily at my face as I felt tears on my cheeks. Damn it. I wasn't a crier, but I couldn't seem to stop.

"Thank you," I whispered.

"You'd do it for me." He paused and eyed me sideways. "Is this anything to do with Sihtric?"

"Why would it be?"

"I don't know, I'm asking you. You spent a lot of time with him over the last few weeks. Then suddenly he's gone and you're like this."

"I—" Should I just say it? He'd seen me at my absolute worst already. There wasn't a lot I could say that could make me look more desperate and hopeless than I already did. "I think I love him," I muttered.

Uhtred gasped. "Then why the hell aren't you with him? I've seen the way he looks at you. It's not one-sided."

"Because—"

"It's a sin. I don't know what to say about that. I don't understand this situation. Not you and Sihtric, but you suffering because of your religion. If you want each other, then I don't get why you're apart and miserable."

"You don't sound surprised that I could like a man," I said.

"I am a little, but I'm not bothered by it. I'm more concerned about what you're doing to yourself. Look, I'm not great at this—"

"You're actually doing pretty good. I wouldn't have known what to say to me."

"You're my best mate," he reminded me. "I don't know what to say to you about your beliefs. Brida's Catholic, but you know what she's like. I don't think she can be used as an example. But I do know somebody who should be able to help you."

I groaned again. "Uhtred, I'm really not up for meeting anybody. I shouldn't have said anything about this."

"You think I'd let you get away with not talking when you're in this state? You're always there for everybody else. It's time somebody was there for you. I'm not dropping this. You're miserable. If Sihtric has feelings for you and he left, he's probably just as unhappy." He took out his phone. "I'm gonna call this guy I know."

"Don't," I protested.

"Shut up, Finan." He selected a number and a moment later someone answered. "Hey, Osferth, it's Uhtred. Sorry to call so early. I need a favour. One of my friends is in trouble and it's pretty close to what you've been through."

I groaned again and sipped the disgusting too-sweet coffee. "Who is that?"

Uhtred ended the call after reciting my address to whoever he was talking to. "Osferth is just a few years older than us. He was a Catholic priest—"

"Was?" I frowned.

"I'll let him tell you. He's on his way."

"How do you know him?"

"Gisela's brother works with him. Trust me, he will know exactly what to say to you."

"Fine. At least make me some decent coffee, will you? I need a shower."

"What was wrong with that?" he asked, picking up my half-empty mug.

"Too much sugar." I took myself off to the bathroom. When I returned, a fresh coffee was waiting for me, along with a plate of toast and some aspirin. I took the pills and although I still felt sick, I forced myself to eat a little.

Ten minutes later, someone knocked on the door and it swung open from the light pressure since the lock was broken, and the frame splintered. Uhtred went to greet his friend. "Hey, Osferth. Thanks for coming."

"What happened here? Did someone break in?"

"Ha, yeah, that was me. Come in." He walked into the room, followed by a tall thin man with short thick blond hair and an angular jaw. "Finan, this is Osferth."

"Hi, Finan." Osferth grinned and sat on the other end of the couch. Uhtred took the armchair. I glanced at him anxiously.

"I'm staying," he said firmly.

I nodded. Whatever I said couldn't possibly be worse than him finding me puking all over myself, with a hot bath and a razorblade waiting for me. Besides, I'd already told him I wanted to be with Sihtric.

"So, Finan. Let me tell you something about myself first," Osferth began. "Uhtred said you have similar troubles to mine, so maybe it will help hearing my story."

"He said you were a priest," I remembered.

"That's right. I grew up in Exeter. My mother's Irish, my father's English, both of them Catholics. I was a good little Catholic boy—an altar boy actually. I knew pretty early on that I wanted to be a priest, but as I got into my middle teens, I got into a bit of a quandry. I realised I'm gay, and I fooled around with a friend."

I jerked my gaze up from the carpet and met his eyes. He smiled and continued.

"I confessed, and vowed to put it behind me, which I did for over ten years. I went on to become a priest as I'd planned. I still questioned myself sometimes. Was it right for me? Was it the path I really wanted for myself? I would always be alone, and of course, I'd already had a taste of the forbidden fruit. Then I met someone, completely by accident. A bit of a bad boy who had got into a fight and was in the hospital. I was there visiting various other sinners, and I ended up at his bedside. He wasn't—isn't Catholic." He shrugged and smiled. "To make a long story less boring, I saw him a few times and I realised there was something there, so I had a decision to make. I tried to do the right thing, but I was miserable, and I was breaking his heart. A few weeks later, it was me in the hospital, having my stomach pumped after I took a whole packet of Paracetamol."

I gasped and glanced at Uhtred. He smiled and nodded.

"I left the Church," Osferth said. "I had to. I couldn't go on like that." He held up his left hand to show off the wide gold band on his third finger. "I married him. We adopted a little girl last year. It was the right thing for me."

"But how do you get past everything else?" I asked. "Did you completely abandon your faith?"

"Not completely. I go to church now and again, and I pray, but I've also talked to a lot of other people, mainly Catholics, about their own feelings. I was brought up in a very strict household, as I'm sure you were. I never considered any other way but not all families are the same. Some have a much more relaxed view of it. Now, I tell myself that if God really hated me for being gay, why would He make me that way in the first place? It wasn't a choice I made. I knew when I hit puberty. I spent years praying that I could change and begging forgiveness for my thoughts, and I wonder if that's why I decided to become a priest—so I wouldn't be tempted. But I was still tempted. I would have had the same issue, though, if I'd met a woman, because priests take a vow of celibacy."

"So, what do you believe will happen to you?"

"You mean, do I think I'll go to hell? Or spend a lifetime in purgatory?" He shrugged. "No, I don't. I think if I'm basically a good man, it's okay to love somebody and be happy, whoever they are. Why would you be punished for that? I've been happy for seven years and I don't expect there to be some horror waiting for me at the end." He shot me another smile. "Why don't you tell me about you?"

I groaned. "Okay, here goes. It's a long story."

"I've got all day," Osferth said with another smile.

"Uhtred, aren't you busy?" I asked hopefully.

"No, I'm not. I'm not at the gym today, and Gisela's just as worried about you as I am, so you're stuck with me."

I sighed. "Fine. Enjoy."


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Osferth helps Finan see that his situation isn't as hopeless as he imagined

Chapter 15

I wasn't sure where to be begin, so I just launched into it and avoided looking directly at Uhtred.

"I fooled around with a boy when I was eighteen."

"Who?" Uhtred gasped.

"Tommy Marsden."

He coughed. "Sorry. I'll shut up."

"I talked to Father Pyrlig. Nobody else found out, but I was mortified and convinced I was dirty and unnatural. I begged forgiveness and vowed to never do it again. I never really thought about it after that. I know I'm not gay—I like girls. I've done plenty of confessing over them, too. My parents kept pushing me together with the daughters of friends of theirs. I have eight brothers and sisters, and they're all married to good Catholics, and they all have loads of kids. The lot of them are determined to see me go the same way. I just felt pressured and trapped even when I dated anyone properly.

"I don't even know how it happened with Sihtric. I met him through work. He's gay and it's never been a secret. We get on well. We hung out at the pub a few times, and the gym. Then he found out his twin sister had cancer. They lost their mother to cancer five years ago, and the father and stepbrother are nasty pieces of work. His brother-in-law too. They all hate Sihtric and treat him like crap for being gay, so he didn't have any support." I paused and gulped some of my coffee.

"I started spending more and more time with him. He needed somebody. Now and again, I caught him looking at me and I wondered, but I kept telling myself it was my imagination. Wishful thinking, maybe, because I realised by then I felt something for him, although I kept denying it." My face began to burn. "We were pretty close, but nothing happened. Not until after his sister's funeral." I risked a glance at Uhtred. His eyes were wide and his face pink. I looked away quickly. "He kissed me," I said.

"Sihtric kissed you?" Uhtred echoed.

"Yeah. Then he apologised and babbled on about how he knew I wasn't into it. I couldn't get a word in. Then he left. We talked the next day on the phone and he said he had feelings for me, and he needed to go away for a while because he didn't want to lose my friendship. I wanted to say something, but I didn't know what to say. I wanted him, but I was so concerned about being condemned by everybody, and the guilt, and I wasn't sure of myself, so I didn't say what I wanted to. I went to see Father Pyrlig and he told me I did the right thing, and that I should put it behind me again. But I can't." I stopped and stared at the floor. I couldn't bring myself to recount the last part, but Uhtred spoke up.

"I broke the door down last night because no one had heard from Finan in days, and Sihtric's phone is off," he told Osferth. "I called Finan a dozen times and the last time he answered crying and rambling about how there was no point to anything anymore, so I rushed over here and kicked the door in. The bath was full of hot water with a razor next to it, and he was drunk out of his mind."

I groaned and buried my head in my hands. "I wouldn't have done it."

"You didn't know what you were doing," he reminded me.

Osferth frowned in concern. "Then it's lucky Uhtred was here. You love this Sihtric?"

"I think so. Yeah."

"So, what do you think is the worst that would happen if you follow your heart?"

"My family would hate it. My mother would cry and make me feel guilty. The rest of them would probably be disgusted."

"You think that your feelings aren't important, and that you should please everybody else rather than yourself," Osferth said. "Is there one brother or sister who might view things differently from how you think they would?"

"Maybe Cara. She's my youngest sister."

"It's clear to me that you can't continue in this way. Suppose you move on from this particular situation and go back to just being friends with Sihtric? What about the next time? Are you going to be a good boy and marry a nice girl and have a family to please your parents? To turn your back on someone else who comes along that you really want, whether it's a man or a woman?"

"I don't want to get married," I said firmly. "I can't see myself being a father. I'm nearly thirty and my opinion has never changed on that."

"So, you'd consider spending the next fifty or sixty years unhappy, so that everyone else in your life thinks well of you?"

I stared at him. "That would be pointless."

"Is that what you were thinking last night?"

"I… probably."

"You have to think about yourself, Finan. You're not living someone else's life. You're living yours. But you're not really living, are you? You're dragging yourself through each day wanting something you think you can't have, because of what everybody else would think about it. I've been there, remember. In the end, deciding to have what I wanted wasn't as bad as I expected. But the most important thing to me was Edward and he was worth risking everything else for. Look what happened when I told myself I couldn't have him. I almost died."

He was right, I realised. I'd done enough things over the past few years that told me I wasn't too concerned about how much I was 'breaking the rules.' I drank and brawled and shagged, and rarely confessed to any of it. It was the issue of my parents in particular and the shame of having the whole family thinking badly of me; maybe even having them turn their backs on me. But was all of that worth me spending the rest of my life miserable?

"Your family might surprise you," Osferth went on. "I thought my parents would be horrified. They were, at first. They didn't understand me, and they still don't, but they accept it. They didn't want me to throw away my life because of how unhappy I was, and they didn't want me to walk out of their lives."

"But what mine think of me is irrelevant at the moment. I don't even know where Sihtric is." I sighed.

"He'll come back. I mean, your work said he was on compassionate leave. He hasn't quit," Uhtred said. He pulled out his phone and tapped at it for a minute. "I sent him a message via Facebook yesterday and he's read it, so he is checking his phone, even if it's off most of the time. I'm going to send him another message now."

"Don't say anything about me!"

"I'm not. I'm just asking him to let me know he's okay, you know, after the funeral."

Osferth stayed a couple of hours and the more I talked to him, the less hopeless I felt. His situation had been much worse than mine. He'd been a priest and had to take the decision to walk away from that, and he'd taken the step to actually end his own life because of it. My despair gave way to anxiety about what I would say to Sihtric when I got the chance, and slight hope that maybe something could come of this.

A joiner turned up, and Uhtred helped him fit a new door and part of the frame. I planned to tell my letting agent someone had tried to break into my flat, and I'd fixed the door myself because I needed it secure quickly. When the joiner left, Osferth said goodbye too, and made me promise to call him any time, day or night, if I needed to talk some more.

"How are you feeling?" Uhtred asked.

"Better than I did," I admitted.

"Good. We're going out."

"I don't feel like it."

"Well, I don't want to stay in here all day, and I'm not leaving you alone yet."

"Seriously, Uhtred, I'm okay. I'm not going to do anything stupid. You can go."

"I'm not going unless you come with me, so come on. Put something warm on."

Groaning, I headed for the bathroom. Clearly, he was sticking around, and maybe that was a good thing. I'd still wallow and fret on my own. I trimmed my beard and cleaned my teeth, then put on a sweater and found a warm jacket. When I returned to the living room, Gisela was sitting on the couch with Uhtred. She jumped up and threw her arms around me.

"I'm so glad Uhtred likes to interfere so much," she said.

I couldn't help smiling then. "I have to say I was impressed. Usually, he's useless if anyone's upset."

"I know." She giggled. "So, now you're stuck with both of us for the rest of the day. My car is better than the rust-bucket he drives. Let's go."

"Where are we going?" I let myself be led out of the flat.

"To get some sea air and some fish and chips. Might make you feel better." Gisela unlocked the BMW sitting outside and I got in the backseat. I hadn't been to the coast in a long time, and I supposed it would do me more good than sitting in front of the TV with my thoughts.

An hour later, we were in Bournemouth. A chilly breeze blew in from the sea as we walked along the damp sand. Uhtred and Gisela held hands, and rather than feeling like a third wheel, I was glad of their company. After a stroll, we stopped at a café to get some fish and chips. Uhtred checked his phone a few times, but I didn't bother looking at mine. I guessed he was still trying to get a reply from Sihtric.

"Let's go for another walk," Uhtred said suddenly. "There's a good pub down the other end of the promenade. I fancy a pint." He glanced at Gisela and winked. She smiled and jumped up, grabbing her coat. I followed them out of the café, although I wasn't keen on the idea of drinking after the last few days of doing nothing but that.

We walked along the promenade, but after a couple of minutes, Uhtred suddenly veered off towards the pier. "Wait there a minute, I won't be long." He jogged off onto the pier.

"What's he doing now?" I muttered.

"Probably taking a photo of something. Let's sit down." Gisela walked over to a nearby bench and sat down with her legs crossed. I began to get the feeling something was about to happen, but I had no idea what. I fidgeted and gazed about. There weren't many people around, probably put off by the cold wind and grey clouds. At least ten minutes passed, and we were still sitting there. "Here he comes," Gisela said suddenly.

I began to get up, not looking, but she pulled me back down. Then I glanced towards the pier and saw Uhtred walking towards us, accompanied by Sihtric. I groaned. "How did you know where he was?"

"He messaged Uhtred. Don't worry, Uhtred never mentioned you, he just told Sihtric he was worried about him." She got up and stepped away from the bench as they reached us.

Sihtric was wearing my sweatshirt with an unfastened jacket over it, his hands in the pockets and his face pinched from the cold. He looked too pale, and his eyes were ringed with shadows.

"Sit," Uhtred said, nudging him towards me. "We'll go for a wander." Gisela slid her hand through his arm, and they walked away.

Sihtric sat down next to me and looked at the ground. "Hey."

"Hi."

"Uhtred didn't tell me he was bringing you here."

"He didn't tell me you were here either. How have you been?"

"Not great."

"Me neither."

We sat in silence for a minute, eyeing each other awkwardly. Sihtric started to say something, then shut his mouth and sighed. Now was my chance. It wasn't a phone call—he couldn't hang up on me or run away, and he was silent, waiting. Now, I had to tell him what I told Uhtred and Osferth, and my heart pounded as I thought about how to begin.


End file.
